On the Effrontery of Wonder Women by William Alan Rieser

I realize with total clarity that nothing about these women is particularly illegal, however distasteful their so-called actions may be. But there is something about witnessing a shapely, buxom broad performing testicular homicide on Cojone Island south of the Peccadillos that doesn’t quite register properly with me. I’m not criticizing anything about the way they look because I’m as masculine as the next fellow. But I simply cannot stand idly by and let comic book mentality seep into and confuse our young male intellects with the travesties that are going on. For that, we have the Simpsons, if we must insist upon irredeemable imbecility.

First, there was supergirl, but she doesn’t count because she’s from Krypton. Next, though, there was Linda Carter as Wonder Woman, a pretty, sexy lady with a winning smile who made me want to watch her little tinkly toe turns and red, white and blue pirouettes. I could even accept the way she used her bracelets to let the bullets bounce off and I certainly didn’t object to her outsmarting the bad guys. Lucy Lustless Lawless, however, goes beyond extremes with Zena, Princess Warrior. If I thought that the castration of all earth’s males was considered entertainment by the geniuses who thought this atrocity up, I’d have them all put in a room alone with Schwarzeneggar so they could explain their views to him personally.

Watching Linda Hamilton softened my views a bit, because she had a legitimate reason for acquiring testosterone on film, faced with a future horror that threatened her only child in the form of an unreasonable Terminator. For the same reason, I was willing to accept Sigourney Weaver’s dramatics faced with Ripley’s unconscionable choices, especially because she showed so much of her feminine side in the second and third films of the Alien series. But Buffy, the vampire killer, a little girl who can take out Bram Stoker’s incredibly powerful conception? No way, Jose. And Dark Angel, an even littler girl who drop kicks nearly every male of her acquaintance? Something wrong here, because of a cutesy morsel like that raised her thigh in the presence of my artistic acquaintances, she would be the one to go down with rapidity.

What am I supposed to make of Angelina Jolie? Now there’s a vapid bimbo if ever there was one, making like she’s James Bond and Rambo rolled into a juicy package that can outwit and outfight everyone and every thing. Speaking of Rambo, Stallone’s ex-wife played Red Sonja as a sword wielding man-hater until she was tamed by Arnold. See what I mean? Where do they get the idea that beautifully proportioned females can physically compete with men? Was it cat woman? At least she had false claws and a motive against a ruthless boss. Oh, I’m sure that there are Tugboat Annies out there who can hold there own, but not these delicate, flowery marshmallows. Give me a break, please.

Naturally, you’ll argue that a physically competent female, albeit blessed with fine, fully endowed features, should not be excluded from traditionally male activities based upon sex. On this, you’d have my complete agreement and cooperation. So she competes against a lion tamer for a job at the circus, clad only in a mink coat. Any self respecting lion will just sit up and start licking her the moment the mink is discarded. And when the circus owner asks the male applicant if he can do that, he will reply: “Sure, if you get rid of that damned lion!” What else is relevant?

So, in the hope of reaching one of these extinction seeking producers of mindless, bubble-gum sentience, I have a suggestion. The next time you get a script that deals with such illogical seepage, burn it. Better yet, if you must have high adventure, martial arts, blood and guts along with sexual innuendo, then do it the old fashioned way or use your brains to find some other method to get people excited, rather than by turning the girl next door into the queen bitch spidery murderess of the universe which is what you are doing. You can drape a formidable ass on a car or fling a bursting bosom out of a pool without turning them into weapons of mass destruction.

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Copyright© 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002 William Alan Rieser, All rights reserved. No part of this may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the author.

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