The Plasmoids

‘There’s a slight problem,’ I said.

‘What is it?’

‘I don’t believe you.’

‘I knew it wouldn’t be easy,’ she sighed. ‘But I have proof. Have you read Lord of the Rings?’

‘Of course. Twelve times.’

She sighed again, like someone trying to explain something to an idiot child.

‘Do you seriously think Tolkien was human?’

The office seemed to spin around me. I suddenly realized that she was telling the truth…

‘You’re telling me the truth, aren’t you.’

‘As promised, the job you’ve always dreamed of,’ she said.

What could I say? It was an offer I couldn’t refuse. Who would?

But there was one question. One all-important question. Because, after all, this concerned the whole planet, the future of the human race…

‘How much do I get paid?’

She mentioned a sum. It was enough.

‘When can I start?’

‘Today! But first, just sign the contract.’

A typed sheet of paper appeared in front of me. I read it carefully.

Nothing wrong with it. I signed the contract.

‘What happens now? Press conferences? Space travel? An advance payment? What?’

Why not go for broke, I thought.

‘Or maybe we could discuss all this somewhere more private?’

Well, it had never worked with earth women, and she said she was from a more intelligent race. So I didn’t feel bad when she laughed her head off.

‘This meeting is over, Vijay,’ smiled Denise. ‘We’ll start the preparation for the opening of the embassy immediately, if you don’t mind.’

She pressed a button on her desk. ‘The Beautician is on his way,’ she said.

‘So I get a makeover? The pimples removed, and so on?’

‘No, Vijay. One thing we have come to realize is that your planet values good looks above anything else. Which is why I, for example, got this body made for me. The Beautician will construct an entirely new body-the Ambassador must be the most handsome man on the planet.’

The door opened behind me. Something very large entered the room.

‘I’m afraid your body doesn’t meet the requirements, Vijay,’ smiled Denise.

‘What does that mean?’

‘That means, Vijay,’ she said, ‘that we’ll just take your brain.’