Of Apes and Aliens and the Men who Love Them

I can't remember the name of the wise man that once said, "You can find love in the most unlikely places. But you'll never find it with a gorilla in a tutu."

If I ever meet the person who said that I would buy him a drink then punch him in the kisser.

I look back on that odd furry experience with great ambivalence as I ride a fence where there are apples on one side and bananas on the other. All these years later I still cannot make sense of it.

The last time I saw her I had begun to walk out of her cage and had stopped at the door to say my good-bye. I found that my gaze lingered on the large primate decked out in her finest ballerina wear. I wondered how long it had been since she was able to fit into it properly.

Nevertheless I had to admire the sentiment. For just a moment I was painfully self-conscious of my inadequate human frame. I worried that she might of thought I was less of a man. But then she had put on her finest tutu for me and so my fear was without substance.

It goes with out saying that love between different species is heavily frowned upon. And I heartily agree with that sentiment. So you must understand that she was no ordinary gorilla. No she was as special to me as a first love is to any species.

Do not entertain the concept of love at first sight for never such a thing could happen between a man and a gorilla. Maybe you're starting to understand that there was something very unique and special about Gertrude, or as I fondly called her, Gertie my love monkey.

It was a day made for animal testing and amorous cosmic activity. I had just completed my field-testing of my Hyper-Gizmo-ma-Gadget-tron. In my white lab coat and safety goggles I jotted down the results of focusing the Dangling Participle Beam on an ant mound in the labs garden. "Yes the ants seemed to be irritated by the Dangling Participle Beam." Hmm? I thought ants would be immune to it as they had been immune to my Prepositional Phase Beam.

The development of my Hyper-Gizmo-ma-Gadget-Tron had been my latest success. It had been intended to deploy multiple beams. Everything from the Dangling-Participle-Beam to the Lethal Subatomic Blubber-Blaster had been calibrated in the Hyper-Gizmo-ma-Gadget-Tron. It was my latest research offering for my company-Space Weapons R U.S.

Space Weapons R U. S. had a massive defense contract and I thought if I created a weapon where I put everything in-including the kitchen sink-would be a good selling point to the Defense Department.

I had been given free reign to experiment by shooting anything I thought worthy, hence my current experiment on the anthill.