Of Apes and Aliens and the Men who Love Them

That day on my drive home I dreamt about how I would spend my millions from my new invention. I had always fantasized about being a chicken rancher. Getting up at sunrise to milk the chickens then chopping their heads off had always appealed to my childhood fascination with farmers.

My drive took me past the city zoo. On a whim I drove through the gate and shot the gatekeeper with my Hyper-Gizmo-ma-Gadget-Tron setting on "Great Googley-Moogley-What-In-The-Hell-Are-U-Shooting-Me-With-Beam?"

I had a moment of inspiration, while listening to the radio announcer advertise the zoo's new arrival. Gertrude the Gorilla.

Few, if any, have the great analytical mind that I have, and therefore I do not expect many to make the quantum leap in reasoning that I had. And that was; if my weapon worked on a Gorilla then surely it would work on big hairy space aliens.

Shortly I found Gertrude's cage, where the gorilla had been in full siesta mode. I thought that Gertrude was quite hansom for a gorilla. Then I shot her with the Hyper-Gizmo-ma-Gadget-Tron setting on the "I-Have-No-Idea-What-This-Is-Going-To-Do-Beam."

To my dismay I observed that the only reaction this invoked was a great toothy yawn as Gertrude stretched her massive torso. So I recalibrated my weapon to a higher setting and blasted the slumbering primate again. Frustratingly Gertrude smacked her huge lips stretched suggestively then yawned passionately. She then turned on her side snoozing away as if she were sleeping beauty.

I remember stomping my foot in disappointment which caused me to slip on a collage of discarded banana peels that were in varying stages of decomposition. My reflexes prompted me to use my Hyper-Gizmo-ma-Gadget-Tron to steady my self. This resulted in the experimental weapon going off and blasting me in my head.

The next thing I remembered was awakening from a deep sleep. I had been dreaming about garter-belts, silky milk chocolate, and being handcuffed by a statuesque female State Trooper. I resisted waking but I soon realized that, though I had a pounding headache, my head was being cradle with great tenderness and someone was caressing my face. At that particular moment I couldn't recall feeling more content then at that moment.

However my gargantuan intellectual mind filled with many questions. Though I felt great curiosity my eyelids responded sluggishly as they slowly opened.