Of Apes and Aliens and the Men who Love Them

Those two gigantic loving eyes shimmered and soon I could hear The Temptations song, "Just My Imagination" echoing in my head.

"It was just my imagination.

Once again.

Running away with me.

It was just my imagination

Running away"

"Soon we'll be married, and on our own."

I actually began to hum the tune out loud. Then I felt a caress of my face. It was that physical touch that brought me back.

I shook my head like a dog trying to dislodge an ear mite.

I then realized that it was Gertrude who had been cradling, and caressing my head. At first I was repulsed, as I noticed her thick and voluptuous lips and her wide flaring nostrils adorned with fine black fur. Despite my harsh reaction she continued to hold me.

My repulsion could not overwhelm the cozy sense of security and compassion I had allowed my self to wallow in. And really, now that I thought about it, Gertrude reminded me of Helen Bonham-Carter when she was in "Planet of the Apes". I know she was a chimpanzee, but if Mark Whalberg could kiss a chimpanzee well then I could at least be a friend with a gorilla. Right?

I sat up turned and faced Gertrude and held her hand. She responded by holding my hand in both her massive tender palms. We shared a silent moment where I contemplated the humbling lesson I had just learnt.

The lesson, one of greed and arrogance where I shot a slumbering gorilla in order to make millions for my beloved chicken ranch, was an age old lesson that has been passed down through generations of sleeping primates, headless chickens and mad scientists who understand the importance of blowing up space aliens.

I knew then as I looked into Gertie's large puddle-like eyes, that if space aliens ever attacked earth she would do her best to beat them up. A tsunami of emotion washed over me as I looked upon Gertie with true love. And not weird farm-animal love, but weird zoo animal love.

I then stood up and picked up all her discarded banana peels and threw them in the trash receptacle. It was then that she sashayed over to her corner and put on her ballerina tutu. I felt a lump in my throat from the pride I felt. I imagined the fear she would strike in the hearts of the attacking aliens when they looked upon Gertie in her tutu.

As I started to leave, Dionne Warwick's song "I Know I'll Never Love This way Again," began to run through head.

It was then that I knew what I had to do. I returned to my car, where just for fun, I shot the gatekeeper again, but with the Subatomic Blubber-Blaster-Beam. I then yelled at him for neglecting Gertie's cage, and frightened him telling him that when the space aliens came, neither Gertie nor I would save him.

That was the last time I saw Gertie. I had returned to work at Space Weapons R U.S. where I had succeeded in my both of projects.

Yes my Hyper-Gizmo-ma-Gadget-Tron was purchased by the Defense Department. They were still considering the purchase of my Space Warrior Tutu. I had explained to them the psychological devastation the space aliens would experience when they first saw our soldiers each armed with Hyper-Gizmo-ma-Gadget-Trons, dressed in Kevlar Warrior Tutu's. And the result would be a resounding victory for earth.

The first thing I did with my millions was buy Gertie a tutu that fit. I also hired a new gatekeeper with the understanding that he would pickup her banana peels.

Sadly, despite my millions, no one comes around to clean my cage.