The Satisfied Customer

Melvin blinked slowly and scratched himself as he watched the brain numbing flow of mild radiation streaming out of his television set. It was well after three in the morning and infomercials ruled the mighty tube. Channel thirteen promised Melvin he could have rock solid abs in as little as two months. He pushed his finger into the round bulge he rested his remote control on top of and looked on with a blank expression. Finally after deciding rock hard abs weren’t in his future he changed the channel.

Channel eleven offered a free, five-minute, psychic reading. Madam Ursula guaranteed her accuracy and authenticity while "for entertainment purposes only" stood in fine print underneath the number. He had called Madam Ursula on several occasions before, taking full advantage of his free five minutes. She had assured him on numerous accounts that he would soon have the job of his dreams, a beautiful wife, and a bright future. Madam Ursula was a liar.

Channel two explained why Melvin didn’t have to be bald. Through vigorous research and advanced technology, renowned scientist Edwin Sponk had discovered a way to facilitate hair growth by electronic stimulation. For only $39.99 you could purchase a set of electrodes that when attached to your scalp were guaranteed to rebuild a healthy mane.

Melvin glanced to his dresser where the electrodes were stashed away in a drawer. He grimaced as he recalled the uncomfortable shocks that seemed to pinch into his head when he tried them, and the twitch in his left eye that never went away. He reminded himself that he still needed to get his full refund before his thirty days were up.

He clicked the down arrow one more time, he was supposed to return to channel thirteen on his cable-less T.V. but instead landed on channel "00". Melvin frowned, he didn’t know double zero was a channel. He scratched at his receding hairline as he watched the never before seen infomercial unfurl. A man dressed in a white lab coat stood in front of a spinning, vertigo backdrop and spoke to the camera with intense eyes.

"Are you tired of being ripped off? Lied to? Taken for a ride?" said the man.

Melvin nodded absent mindedly as he leered into his screen.

"Has your life not panned out as you had expected? Are you searching for an escape? Would you give anything just to relieve yourself of the hassle life brings and live on in personal freedom?"

Melvin leaned forward in anticipation as the man continued.

"Consider lobotomy. Now you can leave behind the pressure of real life and live on in a state on continuous, internal bliss. My method of hypnotic brain alteration is guaranteed and can be administered directly over the phone. A small fee of only $199.99 can be charged to your major credit card, or be automatically charged to your phone bill if you have direct deposit. After the procedure the price will be the very last thing on your mind as you find yourself unable to comprehend even the smallest troubling thought."

As if in a trance Melvin reached for his phone and slowly began to dial the number on the screen. After two rings an operator picked up.

"Hypnotic Lobotomy, thank you for calling. Do you have direct deposit for your phone bill?"

"Y…yes I do"

"Okay sir, please accept the charges to your local phone bill by stating your name and saying "I accept" at the tone please."

A short beep followed.

"M…Melvin Duncan… I accept."

"Thank you sir, your request has been processed. Stay on the line and a doctor will be with you shortly."

Two minutes later Melvin dropped the phone and leaned back on his couch his mouth agape and his eyes vacant. He was found that way two days later by a neighbor and taken to a nearby hospital. No official explanation was ever determined for his mentally disconnected state. But Hypnotic Lobotomy INC. knew he was simply another satisfied customer.