The Legend of Pygman

It is rumored that she came from the same family tree as the Minotaur.

In time Hank gave birth to a child. Analus didn't want anyone to

take over his kingdom, and Hank didn't want him to eat her dinner. They couldn't decide on who would get to eat the kid so they threw him down the bottomless pit.

Now it is a little known fact that the bottomless pit actually does have a bottom! The pit goes all the way through the earth to where the Titan Atlas is holding up the sky. After a brief stint where Atlas had gotten Hercules to hold the sky for him he finally figured out that he could just prop up the sky with a stick. So when Analus's son came falling out of the pit Atlas caught him and raised him. He named the boy Pygman, because Atlas has a strange sense of humor, and he taught Pygman everything he knew, which basically consisted of how to prop up the sky with a stick. So Atlas decided when Pygman was twenty-one, that he could teach him nothing more and sent him back up to the earth.

And that is how Pygman came into the world; he was completely alone, knowledgeless, possessionless, and really not knowing what to do with himself. Athena, the goddess of wisdom looked down on Pygman and took pity on him because he was pathetic and had a silly name. What Athena saw was a blank canvas.

She came to him while he was sitting on a rock and announced, "Pygman, do you know who I am?" Pygman didn't know who she was because Atlas didn't tell him much. He had been out of the loop for quite some time.

He replied to the goddess, "If your tired I can prop you up with a stick."

She shook her head "I am the goddess Athena." Pygman responded with a blank stare. Athena realized what she had to do. She said "Pygman, I can see that you are stupid and I want to help you. I foresee that you will become a great hero. So I am going to give you the gift of wisdom."

And this is how Pygman became wise. Other gods also foresaw greatness in Pygman and gave him great gifts. Hermes gave him cleverness and speed. Aphrodite gave him sea foam. He wasn't sure what this was for but it did make him a hit with the ladies. Apollo gave him ambition. Artemis taught him to hunt. She only asked that he not sneak up on her while bathing, and lastly Zeus gave Pygman strength. The gods had groomed Pygman to become a hero. I could embellish on many of these stories but that would be boring. Most people would rather skip to the part where he beats things up.

Despite his cleverness and wisdom the only thing Pygman did with his power was rescue cute little kittens from trees. Shaking their heads wearily, the gods decided they should give Pygman a task. So Hermes came to Pygman on his winged sandals, laughed at his name for a while and then told Pygman to go and kill king Analus. The gods had chosen king Analus purely by chance and had not even considered Pygman's relation to him. Even Pygman had not given much thought to who his real parents were. So he trained a bunch of guys with red hats called firemen to rescue the cats from the trees and began on his quest to take over the city of Hartford.

Hephestius was the only god who thought to prepare Pygman for his journey.