The Legend of Pygman

All you had to do was pour in one pint of moose pee, or Canadian beer, what ever is on hand at the time, and it would tell you exactly what was going on in any given location at any given time. On top of that it would also check the weather, e-mail, surf the web, and play DVD in full surround sound.

"You must show me this," said Analus. So he was led into the pool hall and shown. "They're all dead!" he exclaimed.

"Whath dead?"

"The Thydrae!"

"Thanks, captain obvious!" remarked one of the king's guards. It was the guard's first day, and his last because he was then thrown down the bottomless pit. Atlas would have caught him but he was busy trying to woo a cloud. Atlas really wasn't that sharp.

Jim continued, "And thith ith the hewo wesponsible fowr kiwing them." The pool showed an image of Pygman, traveling down the road to Hartford.

Analus inquired, "So what's his bit?"

"Hmm, wets find out." He poured in some more beer and it made a cloudy green swirl in the pool. "Ah, it theemth that owr fwend's name ith Pygman. I think he wooks mowr wike a Woger, definatwy a Woger. Or maybe a Bwian."

"Get on with it!"

"Thowwy thire. Pygman hath been waised by the Thitan Atwas, and hath the bwessing of the godth."

"Who is his father?"

"Ah, Thire. That'th where it getth intherwesting. He ith your thon."

"My what? My son?"

"Yeth, your thon."

"Well, he undoubtedly is coming back to claim his thrown." Analus said rather calmly. "Has he killed any other beasts?"

"Yeth, he forthed the Thirens and Kenny G to fowm a band and their headth exthploded."

"This is all true?"

"I thwear buy Hermeeth."

"Is that a type of medication?"

"No Thire."

"Why do you talk so weird?"

"Thowwy Thire, I'm a Woman."

"You're a Woman?"

"No, a Woman. WOE-MAN."

"Oh, a ROMAN."

"Yeth, yeth, a Woman."

"Well, er, thank you Jim, for this information. I think I can take it from here. You may go now."

"Thank you Thire. Wiv wong and pwosper." Jim made a jesture, splitting his fingers apart, and left the room. Incidentally, Jim was the first person in history to get a wedgie. Analus really was just trying to get rid of him so he could think. He paused for a second.

Meanwhile up on mount Olympus Zeus, king of the gods was just finishing up with the Olympian board meeting; "-Oh Kay, thank you Hades, god of the underworld, for that... uh, wonderful speech on how to properly care for your three headed dog. I'm sure that information will be... uh, useful, in the future." Sparse Applause. "Wasn't that nice Poseidon, god of the sea, and Hermes, messenger of the gods. And Aphrodite, goddess of love, and Ares- What are you doing Ares, god of war?

At that moment an unknown god by the name of Jerry spoke up, "Father Zeus? Just a suggestion, perhaps you do not need to say the gods title every time you say their names." Jerry promptly felt a lightning bolt surge through his body.

Incidentally there are a lot of gods in the world, and not all of them chose to be mentioned in the texts One of these was Dave. Dave actually was one of the favorite gods but personally had himself stricken from the record of many tales. He popped up into heaven on a cloud elevator with a trail of nymphs following behind; he always had a trail of nymphs following behind. Dave was just that kind of guy.