So these Two Bioluminescent Gastropods Walk into a Bar

"So these two Bioluminescent Gastropods Walk into a Bar..."

(Another true tale from Drexil Sablume - interstellar mixologist and proprietor of The Rusted Bucket)

translated

by

Mike DiCerto

I had long fantasized about creating an interstellar watering hole. The Rusted Bucket was the end result of my years of walking past the long abandoned Media 360 press ship - an old transport craft that had been used as a news reporting HQ for years - and pondering what a perfect location it would be for my dream pub. So, when folks simply decided that honesty in journalism was unimportant and the official Galacterate Sector Information Services (G-SIS) suited their needs, it was time for me to act. I bought the dilapidated vessel for a very reasonable sum. With a bit of paint, rust remover and a rather vast knowledge of exotic booze, set about to alter the brain waves of as many beings traveling through the very busy Borillian Hub as I could. Six years passed and I recently served my one millionth drink. The Rusted Bucket is a booming success.

I have often pondered writing a book from the innumerable memories of the utter menagerie of patrons that have warmed the stools. What follows is one drop in a very large bucket of recollections and is taken from a recording made on my ancient but reliable holographic security device. It is a translation of the subsequent interaction between myself and a very peculiar duo's fascinating language-of-light into the locally spoken standard (which is printed in brackets [ ] ).

BEGIN TRANSLATION:

It was moments before sunrise and I was busy tallying the till when they entered - a pair of Bioluminescent Gastropods. They were quite striking as they slid in silently on their

thick ventral feet and approached the bar. They left behind them a slightly damp trail of mucus. The tops of their amorphous heads came to a rest just above counter top level. A wash of crimson and white lights ran like nighttime traffic up and around their globular bodies beneath their translucent epidermal layer.

"Sorry folks but I'm closing up."

Their purple lights grew scarlet and flashed in zig-zaging spikes.

["We are here to rob you! Hand over your money!"]

I had to smile with great admiration of their display. The lights were as crisp and bright as illuminated neon.

"You guys certainly are fascinating. I wish I could serve you but I really have to get home. I'm exhausted. And a bit washed if you catch my drift."

A brilliant yellow strobe ran down the first being and flashed brilliant orange atop its head.

["Listen schmuck! We want your cash! You think we're kiddin' scumbag? Just try us!"]

Again, I had to smile in awe. The colors were so stunning. The only other bioluminescent life-forms I had run into were insects and fish. These fellows were intelligent beings and it seemed to somehow add voltage to their lights.

"Very impressive. Where are you two from?"

The gastropods turned to each other. The first offered a series of deep indigo throbs punctuated by a circle of crimson that flashed at its center. The second responded with an orange pulse and green simmering pools of light that raced around its body.

["Bloody imbecile isn't he?"]

["And an ugly son'bitch ta boot! "]

They looked at me with their odd faces. They had no real features, just a lumpy protrusion where a nose would be and two small antenna above each ridged "eye brow".