Washer

Why, you may ask does a washing machine need complete discretionary control over all its internal functions? Efficiency, of course. That's what artificial intelligence is all about. The new SoftWash 2000 actually learns from each load of laundry you do, and it does the next one that much better!

Suppose you threw a clean T-shirt into your old washing machine. You set the dial and away she goes! Twenty minutes later, you have wasted five gallons of water and 20 kilowatts of electricity. Not to mention the wear and tear your old gyrating machine can cause to your shirt's fabric. Besides which, you now have a superfluously clean shirt which, by the way, now needs to be dried. But that isn't the worst part of it. If you were to turn the dial again and start the wash cycle all over, your machine would do the exact same thing. Wasted water, wasted energy, wasted time. Your machine is incapable of learning from its mistakes.

However, if you place that same shirt in the new SoftWash 2000, its ChoiceChip microprocessor will immediately scan the shirt for dirt and stains. Finding none, it will take no further action than to light up the "cycle completed" light on its control panel without having wasted a milliliter of water, a microjoule of electricity, or a nano-second of your time. Now suppose you actually do need to do some real laundry.

Do you have time to sort the light colored fabrics from the dark colored fabrics? Of course not. Just throw them all in together. The SoftWash 2000 will scan the difference and sort them for you. Then, by precisely controlled micro-currents of water this fabulous machine will actually keep your fabrics separated as it washes them. Light colored fabrics on one side of the machine, darks on the other. Not even the water will cross from one side to the other. Moses himself couldn't have done it better. Now get this.

The SoftWash 2000 comes with a 20-gigabyte storage disk so it can remember every load you wash. We've also pre-loaded it with some common items like grass stains, ketchup, coffee, the usuals. 20 gig is enough to record constant washing for over twenty years! (Which is actually five years longer than the extended warranty this machine comes with.) Using the artificial intelligence capabilities of the ChoiceChip, this little beauty draws on its past experience to clean your clothes more thoroughly and efficiently with each new load of laundry you do. Mustard stain? It remembers when you got one of those three years ago--Zap! Horse manure? It remembers that smell from last time you went riding and scrubs it out completely. Incredible, isn't it.

What's that? Is it ecologically sound? Sir, we've gone to great lengths to be able to answer that question affirmatively to environmentally responsible customers like your self. This machine sets new standards for environmental protection. First, you don't need to use any soaps or bleaches with the SoftWash 2000. Think of the boon that fact alone offers to our endangered rivers, lakes and wetlands.

All cleaning is done with vibronics and lasers. Individual dirt particles are sniffed out by one of the washer's 10,000 micro-sensors, then they are shaken or blasted loose by a tightly concentrated burst of high-frequency sound waves or micro-focused laser light. Of course, the entire machine is hyper-core insulated to a rating of 1000, so none of the vibronic "noise" or laser light escapes. You won't even know the machine is running unless you're watching the lights on the control panel.