One Strand of Hair

Having children became more my goal then his and I knew I had to keep him enthusiastic. We were moving along the fertility path until everything changed.

Chapter Two, The Change.

As I said before, during the fertility process I had to be the cheerleader to keep Jared going. I did not let him see how the stress was affecting me, I did not complain, and I made sure he did not think his physical problem made him any less special to me. The truth was is that I was losing my enthusiasm. I was becoming convinced nothing could be done with his sperm that would allow me to have a baby.

Jared was also hiding from me. I though he was losing his enthusiasm for children, but I did not see he was losing his enthusiasm for life. Not being able to father children greatly affected his machismo. It was that machismo that allowed him to succeed at work and be a killer businessman. As his machismo began to fade so did his work.

Jared lost his job. I still had mine, but it was Jared’s money that allowed us to walk the fertility path. Jared began to sink deeper and deeper. At least we had his parents to help us, or so I thought.

Jared’s parents were not that aware of our baby problems. They had picked up that things were not moving smoothly and later found out that Jared lost his job. Jared’s parents offered to help, but Jared’s pride prevented him from taking their money. More then that Jared was insulted, said things he didn’t mean, and basically put a rift between his parents and us.

So there we were, Brooke and Jared. I was working, he was not. I wanted to get pregnant, and he did not. I thought the future would fix itself, Jared was not sure.

Jared then informed me that my income might not be enough to keep making our house payments. He also informed me that paying for fertility treatments would be impossible.

I was heartbroken. Everything we had dreamed of had been taken from us; some things before I even had a chance to experience them. I would miss our big house, but at least I had had it once. I knew my salary would keep a roof over our head. But I had never experienced having a child, and I was now convinced I would never get the opportunity. Though I kept going on I was dying on the inside. My thoughts began to become preoccupied with my non-existent children. I saw myself driving minivans to soccer games, taking my family on vacation, wiping noses, putting toys away, and all sorts of other family activities. I saw Jared chasing kids around the backyard, tossing balls with the boys, and teaching them stuff about cars. I knew this was only a dream, but I began to live in this world. I did not want to live in reality. I wanted to live in my dream world with my children and the husband I envisioned as a father. Being anywhere else was to depressing.

Chapter Three, The Plan

Jared spent a lot of time in front of the television. That was fine with me. It did not require us to talk and allowed me to live in my dreams. Jared watched everything. Everything. Old movies, everything. He seemed to enjoy science fiction. I think he realized his decline was due to his inability to have children, and he seemed to like movies that involved children not with their biological parents.

One of his favorites was Superman.