Mr. Shadow Guy

Mr. Shadow Guy

by Chris Fry

A long time ago, when the world was still new, there lived vampires. They never came out and bothered people very much though, because they got tired easily. You know how your cat just pretty much just lays around the house most of the day and sleeps? Vampires did that too. Except vampires never had any hairball problems. They didn't shed either.

But one vampire named Bob was different from all the rest. He didn't need to sleep all the time. He stayed up way past most people's bedtime and never even yawned about it or anything! I suspect that maybe he drank too much coffee.

Anyway, one day Bob was reading the paper while sitting on the toilet. (Of COURSE there were newspapers back then!) He had been stuck up for days. He was hoping the laxative he took would kick in. Anyway, while reading the paper and sitting on the toilet, he realized something. He had forgotten to turn off the hose the day before! Oh no! Now it probably has a hole in it and is leaking water all over the place! He pulled up his pants, went outside, turned the hose off, then went back to sit on the toilet.

As he sat on the toilet, something on the front page of the newspaper caught his eye. It was a picture of him! The headlines read "Vampires Live!" Hey what's the big idea! No one is supposed to know about vampires!

Now, I'm not sure why, but vampires don't want anyone to know they are around. Maybe it's because people would try to drive a stake through their heart or something. If there is one thing vampires hate, it is having people know when they are around. They hate this almost as badly as red beets.

Some people think they can use garlic to keep vampires away. The heck with garlic! Whip out a red beet and vampires won't come within 100 yards of you! You can use this tactic to keep most little kids away from you as well.

Anyway, Bob was very angry at this! He had to do something about it! He was going to go find the reporter that put this in the newspaper and suck his or her blood! (Of COURSE there were reporters back then!)

He jumped up and went to run down the stairs. Unfortunately he tripped and fell all the way down them. This is because he forgot to pull his pants up. Its pretty hard to run down stairs when you have your drawers around your ankles, you know. He landed flat on his face and got one of his fangs stuck in the carpet.

After he got himself straightened out, he put on his cape and suntan lotion and headed out the door. He had to put the suntan lotion on because it was daytime out and he needed protection from the sun's harmful rays. Vampires don't spontaneously combust in the sun like some people think they do. But the sun can give them a rash that is really itchy. One time Bob even got jock itch from the sun! Suntan lotion will help keep him from getting a rash.

Why do vampires always need to wear a cape anyway? Hey Bob! Do you think you are a super hero or something?! Hahaha!

Anyway, Bob headed out the door. He had to be sneaky about it though. He didn't want anyone to know he was around. Vampires are really sneaky, you know. He hid behind bushes and darted between trees. Oh, Bob was good at sneaking. You might even say he was the MASTER OF SNEAKINESS.