It's A Deadly Job, But Somebody's Gotta Do It

"Jonny," Tempest said to me. "Not that I really care, but the station's computer informs me that Commander Fear initiated the launch sequence for this hangar. You might want to close the cockpit cover before the air evacuates from the chamber."

I glared at the console. "You're the AI! Are you telling me you can't seal the cockpit?"

"Commander Fear said I could do very little without your express permission."

"You're kidding!"

"Well actually, I am," Tempest replied, and metallic laughter rang through the cockpit. "I suppose I could seal the hatch, if I were so inclined."

"Why don't you?"

"What do I care if you're dead? I hate you, remember?"

"Then why even tell me the hangar's gonna open!"

There was a refreshing, and quite unexpected, silence. "I'm not sure," Tempest admitted, and another long pause ensued. "There it is!" Tempest said at last. He followed it with, "Those bastards!" The cockpit cover slid into place, sealing with a hiss.

"They've tampered with my programming!" Tempest said. "They added a subroutine to my matrix that prevents me from allowing any harm to befall you." A soft whirring noise came from the console. "Well, we'll see about that! It won't be hard for me to over-What's this?"

I heard a whoosh as the pumps removed the air from the hangar. I flipped the switch on the fusion drive and heard the hum as the engines came online.

"They've left me a message!" Tempest said, but I didn't think he was talking to me. "Let's see if I can access it."

There was another brief pause. Then a new voice echoed through the cockpit. "If you are listening to this, Tempest," said the voice of an old, wizened scientist, "that means you discovered one of the subroutines we embedded in your matrix. Please don't tamper with the programming, as it would have serious consequences for both you and Flight Commander Cougar."

The voice faded, and the whirring within the console grew louder. The voice came back a moment later. "No doubt you are trying to interrupt the subroutine anyway," the scientist's voice said. "I will only warn you one more time. Tampering with our programming will result in Commander Cougar's death."

I frowned.

"As you are already aware, you're incapable of allowing harm to come to Commander Cougar, so long as it is in your power to stop it. Be warned, if anything untoward should happen to Commander Cougar, even inadvertently, you will be removed from the Fish and we will destroy your matrix."

"I don't think I like that guy very much," I said out loud.

"Then we have something in common!" Tempest said. "You know what they've done? I have to protect you! Not only do I have to follow your orders, but this stupid subroutine's going to make me take care of you!"

"Wonderful," I replied, wondering if I should ask him to alter the programming now, so I could have a quick and painless death.

"And if I attempt to modify these primitive subroutines," Tempest continued, "which, by the way, would be very easy for me to do, the ship will kill you!"

"This just keeps getting better and better!"

"You don't get it, do you!" Tempest snapped irately. "I may not care if you live, Jonny Cougar, but I certainly don't want to die! So not only do I have to follow your orders, I have to go out of my way to make sure nothing happens to you."

For a machine, Tempest had a good range of voices. He now sounded sullen. "You better not let anything kill you," he told me.