The Problem With Teachers

It was I, Rubin Jules Becker III, who first came up with the theory that teachers at Lincoln Elementary are crazy. In fact, some of them may not even be human. I wouldn’t be surprised if I walked into the teacher’s lounge one day and saw them sitting around peeling off their faces or trading arms and legs for green tentacles.

For example, there’s my homeroom teacher, Sergeant Major Franks. Her real name is Malia Downing Franks. Call her anything but Ms. Franks, though, and you’d better watch out. Her face gets all screwed up and turns bright red. When she’s angry, Sergeant Major Franks looks like a six-foot candy cane with an ugly attitude. Her index finger is about a foot long and she wags it like a withering garden snake. She’s over six feet tall and towers above the other teachers.

Sergeant Major Franks is a retired Marine. Not an ex-Marine. She’ll pick you up by your ears and drop you on your head if you talk about ex-Marines. She’s a ‘former Marine.’ For twenty-six years she tortured other Marines. Now she spends her days punishing us. Sergeant Major Franks is pure crazy.

Last week, she asked the class if there was anyone who had not turned in their money for the Christmas field trip. No one raised a hand but I knew that my friend Timmy Anderson had not. He lives alone with his mom and sister and they can’t afford the trip. Ms. Franks knew it too. She was trying to make fun of Tim.

"You’d better raise your hand," I whispered, leaning close to Tim.

"I’m not going," he said.

"Why?"

Tim didn’t answer but I knew.

"Don’t let the Sergeant Major find out," I said out of the corner of my mouth. "She’ll tell the whole school."

I could tell that Tim got nervous after that. He shifted in his seat and wouldn’t look up front. Ms. Franks stared at Tim like a hungry lion looking at a raw steak. I could tell she had some diabolical plan in her head.

After the bell rang everyone went to the cafeteria for lunch. I was walking with Tim and as we passed the teacher’s lounge I noticed that the door was left partially open. This was the golden opportunity that I had been waiting for. I could sneak inside and listen to the teachers talking. I could prove that they were aliens or something worse.

"Go on and I’ll catch up," I told Tim. He jogged and caught up with my sister Nicole.

I checked the hallway to make sure no one was coming. When I was certain it was safe, I strolled over to the door. I pulled it back a little and stuck my head inside. I couldn’t hear anyone so I quickly slipped in and pulled the door behind me.

A walled coat rack separated me from the actual lounge. Still, it was quiet and I guessed that all of the teachers were down at the cafeteria. I peeped around the corner and saw an empty room. Since no one was in there I decided that I would try again later and turned to go back out. That’s when I heard someone coming.

I was almost hysterical as I raced around looking for someplace to hide. I saw a door across the room and hoped it was another way out. I was still thinking when I heard the door open.