Newgrounds

My name was Jim Leslie Willis, and in a half hour I was going to die. Not the painless, private, dignified lethal injection type execution. My torture and eventual dismemberment was going to be broadcast to eighty-seven countries worldwide. They had told me this.

There were two guards blocking the exit of the small room, and one on the outside, each silently caressing a M-106 submachine gun, a gun where even the most unskilled patron can spray thirty rounds a second into a general direction. A bright beam of sunlight danced through one small window.

I was chained from head to toe, barely able to move my head from side to side to evaluate my surroundings. I was somewhere inside the massive, elegantly decorated complex of the Newgrounds Enlightenment Citadel. The ideology of the 21^st century. Funded by the people’s tax dollars. For the last twenty minutes, the guards had been preaching Newgrounds dogma at me, his voice a scratched, broken record.

"The enemy of Newgrounds is an enemy of enlightenment, and an enemy of the people," said a small, weasel-looking guard. "John Hatchkins’s beliefs encompass everybody, and help strengthen our country and our way of life, and-"

"Newgrounds is nothing but a popular cult designed so that the bureaucrats in it can steal money from taxpayers for their own-"

The guard stepped up to me and struck me across the face with the butt of his gun. Blood pooled around my lip.

I spit some of it onto his well-tailored uniform. He shook his head.

"Any actions subversive to either Newgrounds or the ideas or concepts of Newgrounds is punishable by law, and serious offenses are punishable by death. These laws have been adopted by both the government and..." He droned on.

I was Jim Leslie Willis, prisoner of war, head of the UNR, United Newgrounds Resistance. But this isn’t war, not real war anyway. This is a private war, a war against the mindless zombies walking our streets. It had taken awhile, but Newgrounds was now accepted nationally as both of theology and a form of law enforcement. Children were only sent to schools sanctioned with Newgrounds ideas and concepts. Because Newgrounds was not specific as to anything except its enemies, everybody felt included. Newgrounds members who worked for an institution were exempt from taxes, legal prosecution, and good judgment. Their organization claimed responsibility for everything from television shows to oil refineries. Since everybody was basically a part, nobody complained. Each person contributed a small portion of his or her earnings to Newgrounds. Free speech was still in effect, but Newgrounds controlled law enforcement, so naturally any speech against Newgrounds was punishable. However, Newgrounds was strictly not affiliated with government. Instead, they promoted strength and honor, and teaching the values of Newgrounds to ones neighbor.

The guard finally tired of preaching and began to talk to me. He sounded almost intrigued.

"What made you do it, huh? Why do you hate us so much?"

"I don’t hate you," I said. "I hate John Hatchkins for letting you buy into this crap."

The guard frowned.

"You just don’t get it, do you? I never got you, your group, the UNR. I mean, why? Newgrounds is here, so there always has to be someone opposing it?"

I sighed. Some people are better not to try and reason with.

"Newgrounds is only great because that’s what Hatchkins is telling you! It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. In all honesty, what have they accomplished lately?"

He shook his head again.

"No...no. I just can’t take people who are against Newgrounds. You idiots. You stupid rebellion groups are all the same. You use treachery and sneaky tactics, because you can’t face up to the glory and honor of Newgrounds. I’m glad you’re a dead man."