What If

Many things that I will forever remember as the day I woke up from a bad dream.

My mind went wondering the morning I found out that my hero had died. There were so many things that I never got to say to my grandfather. I never told him that his one chance as a better life, his one gesture, his one moment, changed my life forever. I never got the chance to tell him that because of him, I am a very respected person in this world. I never told him that because of him, I have been on my own, have learned to cope with life, have learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to walk away from a battle that’s not worth fighting. I never got the chance to tell him that because of his faith in me, I am a better person. I no longer hate the person I see in the mirror. I no longer want to die. Death is something that all of us will go through, but I will not invite it to me any earlier than what god has decided. I WAS put on this earth for a reason. I know now that he was right in saying that I will go on to do many great things in my life. I know now that he was right when he said that one day I will wake up and be grateful to be alive. But most importantly, the one thing that hurt me the most was the fact that I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye to him. I never got the chance to thank him for all that he did for me. All that he taught me and all that he changed in me. He gave me the chance to be ME. He gave me the opportunity to show a person that I am special, I am someone that is worth something in this world and I am someone that has a purpose in life.

I will always have a mother that is a drug addict. I will always have a mother that is an alcoholic. I will always have a mother that is mentally ill. She will always be abusive. She will always be hurtful and above all, she will always be someone that people will say is sick in the head. There are no perfect families in this world. Mine is far from perfect. My mother was not the best of mothers. But today, I know that I don’t have to be like her. I don’t have to repeat history and I don’t have to be known as my mother’s daughter.

My grandfather taught me something very special that night we sat on the porch smoking and talking. He taught me that there was always a way out if you just look for the right door. There will always be ONE person that will help you, if you just learn to swallow your pride and just ask. And no matter what your head tells you, no matter what others tell you, and no matter what even you may think at times, you will always be someone special to someone in this world.

I look back now, seven years later, and wonder, what if that had never happened? Where would I be in my life? Would I even be alive? Would I still have accomplished the things in my life that I have? I know, in my heart, that I would not have the job I have. I wouldn’t have the home I have. I wouldn’t have the friends I have. I would never have known respect. I would never have known love.

And more importantly, I would never have gotten the chance to know who I am as a person.

October 5, 2002

Leona Michelle Mattox