Sir Bob Wires

"......Oh, Edward. Don't go. Don't leave me here. Alone."

"I must, Melodrama. The king awaits my presence. I must go and join him. The country is in danger. I have to go. Goodbye, Melodrama, my love. Goodbye."

"There we saw an extract from the latest film, The Eternal King And I starring Sir Bob Wires. Sir Bob, welcome to Film Watching."

"Than-k you, Da-vid."

"Sir Bob, I'd like to first ask about your early life. Your beginnings are not too well known to the public. You started life on a farm, I heard? One hears that many stories."

"Well. To put the re-cord straight I star-ted as a star-ter mo-tor. On an in-dus-tri-al orchard. On the back of a trac-tor. U-sed to cut straw-berr-ies. Then they star-ted rear-ing pen-gu-ins. Got a-dap-ted to fit on to a com-pre-ssor. For a wh-ile. Then the pla-ce clo-sed."

"What happened?"

"Got scra-pped."

"Good God. That must have come as quite a shock?"

"Not rea-lly. It was sea-son-al work mo-st-ly. Sp-ent a lot of my ear-ly days do-ing no-th-ing. Stuck on a she-lf. Just wai-ting."

"What happened to you after that?"

"Re-cy-cled. Sta-rted wor-king in this ga-rage. A gen-e-rat-or. Work-ed there un-til I sa-ved up e-nough mo-ney to buy an old tank..."

"Tank?"

"Gas Tank. Should have men-tion-ed I was wor-king in the bo-dy re-pair bay. Pain-ting cars all day. De-ci-ded then to fit my-self on-to the old gas tank and o-pe-ned up a pa-int spr-ay bo-oth."

"I see. That explains a lot on why you always do your own make up."

"Yes. And I'm also eas-ier to pro-gramme than the usu-al set crim-per."

"I would like to talk to you about your first rolls, Sir Bob. You said you set up spray painting business. Was it successful?"

"Yeah. Kept me fed. Was al-right."

"When did you first take an interest in acting? Was it some type of programme?"

"Act-u-ally, it was my pain-ting skills. Spot-ted an ad in lo-cal pa-per. Lo-cal Thea-tre group needs help!"

"We'll edit that bit out."

"Good man."

"What happened when you answered the ad?"

"Met the di-rec-tor. Nice man cal-led Jer-e-my Foot-light. Had a chat. Show-ed him my pa-int chart and mix-ing op-tions. Must have im-press-ed him. Was back down the next night with me ol' br-ush and bu-cket, Guv. Next thi-ng I knew I was do-ing the back-drop for, Mrs. Gin's Hobnail Boots."

"Did you get your first acting part there?"

"Even-tu-ally. Al-most by acc-i-dent. Was by acc-i-dent. In fact."

"What happened?"

"Well. They were do-ing a sci-ence fict-ion a-dap-ta-tion of Au-gust Srind-berg's, Miss Ju-lie. Need-ed a few props. So gave the old face a pa-int job and got my f-irst part on sta-ge, stu-ck in a cor-ner with a light on top."

"Impressive."

"Should have read the re-views. Was on the lo-cal news."

"Your performance was that great?"

"Well. It star-ted off well. Well, not qu-ite. It star-ted off bad. No-bo-dy was tur-ning up. Then they all came through the door at once, af-ter we had star-ted. Was a lot of peo-ple a-rri-ving on coa-ch-es. Old peo-ple. All be-ing hel-ped in-to the hall. Then this for-mid-ab-le wo-man walk-ed up to the fron-t of the stage and as-ked who was in cha-rge. We kept go-ing. Try-ing to ig-nore her. At least wat-ch us fir-st be-fore com-plain-ing. If no-thing else, at least you'll know what crap.is"

"Who was this lady?"

"She was in charge of the, audience, inverted commas. Bloo-dy dou-ble boo-ked the hall with the O-A-P bin-go night. Now that was a les-son."

"That is indeed a gem, Sir Bob. What happen after that?"

"Thank you. One nee-ds such le-sson-s in life.