The Gnome Genome Project

Into the office, walking on all fours, lumbered a medium sized creature wearing a blue denim jacket and white cotton pants. "Fred, quit screwing around and stand up."

A gurgle or a giggle came from the creature as it stood up to its three and a half foot stature. "Sorry, Dr. Goodman, just having a good time." Said Fred. Fred had a rounded head with a noticeable forehead. An obvious snout centered his face. His facial skin was hairless and a dark tan color, except for around the eyes, the skin there was darker still. His hair was short, fine and streaked with browns and tans. The hand he held out to Dr. Feldsmith was the same dark tan of his face but the nails were black and sharp. There were four fingers and a thumb. "How do you do, Dr. Feldsmith? I have read some of your departmental memos, quite interesting."

"Fred, please behave." Said Dr. Goodman with a smile.

Dr. Feldsmith looked down at Fred, frowned then looked back at Dr. Goodman. "What the hell is this? Some midget with Halloween make-up won’t fool anyone." He looked back down at Fred. "No offence." Fred wave him off. Dr. Feldsmith looked back at Dr. Goodman. "You’re the one. You should be the one to behave. Where’s the real clone?"

"He’s right here." Dr. Goodman said. Fred waved his unshaken hand at Dr. Feldsmith. "You can take blood samples yourself. Have them tested in any lab. You’ll see that I am telling the truth."

"But, I . . ." Dr. Feldsmith was confused.

"Tell me, what did you think when you first saw Fred? What was the first thing to pop into your head?" Dr. Goodman was almost smirking. "Come on, what was the very first thought?"

"Well, I thought, well, Gnome . . . " Dr. Feldsmith hesitantly said.

Dr. Goodman just smiled and nodded his head.

"You cloned a Gnome?" Dr. Feldsmith said weakly.

Dr. Goodman nodded more vigorously.

"But Gnomes are mythical creatures." Dr. Feldsmith looked down at Fred.

Dr. Goodman shook his head.

"Apparently not." Said Fred.

"Apparently not." Said Dr. Goodman.

"Apparently . . . not." Said Dr. Feldsmith. "It’s just a fluke, an error in the cloning . . . He speaks English, for God’s sake."

"Well, what else is he going to learn around here? Do you happen to speak Gnomish?" Both Dr. Goodman and Fred laughed at this. "Actually, the cloning was very successful. We had a large number of viables. Twenty five to be exact."

"All like . . ." Dr. Feldsmith pointed at Fred.

"Yes, well, eighty percent of them turned out to be female." Dr. Goodman looked down at Fred. Fred winked his left eye and clicked his tongue twice. His long raccoon eyelashes made the gesture appear even more suggestive than it was.

"What?" Said Dr. Feldman.

"Yeah, isn’t this much better than a bunch of hair elephants?" Dr. Goodman offered to shake Fred’s hand. "We’ve cloned a whole village worth of Gnomes."

Fred gargled a giggle again.

Dr. Feldsmith thought for a minute. "You’re right, this is really gonna piss the Japanese off. Great!" Dr. Feldsmith then shook Dr. Goodman’s hand and then Fred’s.

Fred then turned to the smiling Dr. Goodman and ask, "Ah, is lunch going to be soon?" Fred held up his black-nailed hands, padded palms forward to Dr. Goodman. "I have to wash my hands."