Born Again Christian

Well, it was incredible. One minute I was just standing there at the bus stop waiting for a number nineteen to come along. Getting pretty fed up with the cold, damp, weather as well, I can tell you and then the next minute. What do you think? Poufff!!! Everything goes black, I fall to the ground in a heap, and the next minute I’m dead! It was the strangest thing imaginable.

It was really eerie. I mean, I was just waiting for the bus to come along and minding my own business. I didn’t see any flashing lights, I didn’t feel any pain. I didn’t feel or see anything. But then again, I suppose if you are dead you don’t feel anything anyway. Who can tell. You can’t compare notes with anyone can you. You can’t say to the man standing next to you "are you dead mate. What does it feel like?" If you did that he’d either think you were a mental case or give you a bunch of fives. Assuming of course that he could speak English in the first place. Half the people in England can’t speak English though can they. Not even the English, ha ha! Anyway, I’m getting away from me story...

The last thing I remember was thinking what a horrible day it had been and why were there three black men in front of me at the bus queue. I mean, why were they sitting down and me having to stand. Why should a white man stand at a bus stop, getting cold and miserable with no shelter when three black men are sitting down I ask you. It’s not right is it?

Now you might have guessed that I hate blacks. Well, hate is probably not the right word. It was stronger than hate. Me, I was Anglo-Saxon white through and through and proud of it. Always had been, always will be. Well, was anyway but now I’m dead that settles it I suppose. What am I now though I wonder? Am I a limbo white? Off white? Or dead white - ha ha.

Anyway. There I was dead as a dodo and not even knowing it. Everything was a sort of dirty grey and dead quiet, no pun intended. Suddenly I felt myself being pulled forward. A funny feeling really because I knew I wasn’t in me body anymore. It was really strange, like me spirit or something was being pulled up by me shoulders and given a gentle, well, push forward. Suddenly I could sense I was in some kind of tunnel but it was impossible to tell if I was going up or down or left or right. I just couldn’t work it out. All I knew was that it was really long, misty, and all I could think of was there was probably three black buggers in the line in front of me!! The things you think of when you’re dead eh!!

Anyway, I don’t blame myself for the way I think. It was the way I was brought up. I was always taught that England was home and God was an Englishman. Oh yes, and that he was white. That was why we ruled half the world and the other half spoke English wishing they were white. Stands to reason doesn’t it, seeing as how we are better than everyone else. Or at least, we used to be, until the world started to change, and there were civil rights. Hate all those people on those marches that’s for sure. Never understood why a white person would want to walk along with a black person either. It just didn’t seem natural to me.

Anyway, to get on with me story... there I was feeling myself being pulled and pushed along this tunnel. It felt really - well, bizarre is probably the best way to describe it. I kept wandering what was happening to me body, how long I had been in the tunnel, where I would end up. I kept expecting to hear harps and things. Funny thing is I couldn’t hear anything. It was so strange...

"Christ!" I thought out loud, or at least I think it was out loud, "what if I get on the other side of this tunnel and it’s full of blacks and Muslims, (seeing as I hated Muslims almost as much as I hated blacks.) "Would I be in hell?" thought I. Surely, it would have to be a hell of a place for a Christian to end up, and suddenly I saw the funny side of things and started to laugh. Only there was no sound of laughter and I couldn’t feel myself laughing. It really was the wierdest feeling. I began to wonder if it was like being on the inside of a church, only I didn’t know what the inside of a church looked like, me being a Christian and all.