Conquering My Fears

I ensured that everything was kept in readiness lest my nerve failed at the last moment. I was sure, that wouldn’t happen but I wanted to err on the right side of caution.

Then with my unsteady hands, I disinfected a syringe with the disinfectant and filled the syringe with the anaesthetic. Using the same swab of cotton, that I had used to disinfect the syringe, I also disinfected a small portion of skin on both corners of one eye. Having done that, I injected myself with the anaesthetic.on both sides and anaesthetised the eye. After that I proceeded to do the same with the other eye. The same disinfecting, the same injecting. This anaesthetised my other eye as well. The first phase of my plan was over.

The second phase, the clincher, remained to be actioned upon. After a few minutes, when the anaesthetic took effect and I could feel nothing around my eyes, and my eyelids started drooping, I took the two blades and did what I had to. I placed the cutting edges inside my eyes, one in each eye, and slashed my eyes.

I did not feel any pain because of the anaesthetic but after a few moments, I blanked out.

When I came to, I felt bandages over my eyes and a handcuff on my hand, the other end cuffed to the metal bed. A few minutes later, I was visited by the doctor, I think. He explained to me in a deathly monotone that I was lucky to have been found by Mr. James, minutes after I committed the reprehensible act. Jim, who had come with a doctor, had found me in a pool of blood, not unlike my dream. I was taken to the hospital subsequent to which I was brought here. Here meaning, a health farm. After he left, I explored whatever area I could with my restricted mobility and found that the wall behind me was made of something which made no noise and did not hurt me when I banged my fist against it. A room with padded walls. So that’s what a health farm means, I said to myself. I was in a lunatic asylum. Jim may have been right, after all.

Another Ophthalmologist…no, an ophthalmologist (because I still wasn’t one and didn’t know if I ever would be one) would come and visit me to check my eyes, but not before my attendants put me in a strait jacket. They were worried I would turn homicidal. A few days later, I overheard him saying that I had done permanent damage to my eyes and that I would never be able to see again.

That was two months ago. I am due for release from the ‘health farm’ in another month or so. To a new life, I have been told. A new life it will be. A life without fears. My fears are all gone. Yes, I am not afraid of blindness anymore. I have learnt to live with it.