Conquering My Fears

In fact, for a very long time, my decision to do or not do something would depend upon two questions that I would ask of myself. Will this bring on the roaches? And will I become blind if I do this? If the answers to both the questions were in the negative, I would, more often than not, end up doing it. My first and only cigarette, my first and only joint and my first drink. And oh yes, my first date.

I was an above average student in medical school and had a reasonable fan following of both genders. It was in medical school that one of the more-popular girls, Selena, (Sel for short) came up to me once and asked me if I would have dinner with her. I suppressed a smile, and mentally asked myself the two questions. And we had a wonderful evening..After that evening, there were a lot more evenings and at the end of a month or so, she announced that she wanted to marry me. I liked her but I wasn’t quite ready for that. But I did not want to hurt her. So I put it off hoping that she would take the hint and perhaps that would be the end of the matter. But after that, the question would come up every time we were together and this was something I could very well do without.

So I wanted to do something, which would either make her stop bothering me about marriage or, and this was a less preferable option, break off with me.

My explanation to her was that I needed to study for my Ophthalmology exams. My fear had made my career choice for me too. I could have taken up an exterminator’s job as well but that I felt was below my dignity and my pride did not permit me. This option was more sophisticated and in my league.

I did not want to be bothered with her also because I needed to concentrate on a more important issue.

Freeing myself of my fears. I knew I would have to get rid of the fears but how?

2

One of my co-students (a drop out actually, who later did some diploma), Jim had found work with an Insect Repellent Manufacturing Company in the Research and Development department. He was a wimp of a guy, short and thin, wore glasses and had a high-pitched voice that did nothing to make him popular. He was the universal punching bag and the butt of everyone’s harmless, or for that matter, some even dangerous pranks. I happened to bump into him once and he offered to take me for a tour of the Research

Department of his company. I agreed and went for it. But the experience scared the living daylights out of me. The Research lab was equipped with facilities where all kinds of insects were bred so that they could be experimented upon. The place was full of them. All over the place, as far as the eyes could see, there was nothing but insects. And they raised a stench, which left me gasping for breath. All kinds of obnoxious looking insects; flies, mosquitoes, locusts, leeches, bugs, spiders, gnats and roaches. Roaches! Jim, while showing me the facilities, casually put his gloved hand in a container that had no less than a hundred roaches and picked out a few of them. I very nearly fainted. My face must have lost colour because Jim looked at me and asked me in a voice that was full of anxiety, if I was alright. I rushed out of the room and began to retch badly, much to the amusement of some of his colleagues.