Spider Song (Part 1)

I’m writing this thing to let you know about me, the super genius. In fact this is my diary, and I’m rereading and editing, after certain things have happened. You’ll see. I can’t wait to tell you a bout when I… oops! Can’t tell you yet. I’m sitting here in my room, if you could even call it that. A large sleeping mat, and a computer. I got the computer instead of a bed. But that’s okay now. I could use anyone’s bed. I have the whole house to myself. But, I’m not happy about it. In fact, I feel alone.

I guess I will have to tell you about my family. It’s nice to tell you something. Anyway my brother and I, well, we’re alone. There is no one else. We were even more alone a long time ago, but now we have the house and each other. I can’t really tell you more, but I guess I’ll tell you about Jon. That isn’t painful yet. But it will be. Jon is my twin brother. He doesn’t look like it, in fact he’s probably a good half a foot taller than me, but we’ve almost always had each other. We work together. We always have. There is no one else in either of our lives. This probably makes us extremely underdeveloped socially, but I don’t care. Jon is all I need.

We both live in the same house. The same empty house. The same lonely house. Do you ever have that feeling like someone is with you but you feel so alone? I think it’s because you want someone else to be with you. That’s how our house feels. We both know who we want to be with us, but it is to painful. Life is pain, I realize, but I wish there were a emotional pain killer that doesn’t kill you. What’s the use of living forever if you have nothing to live for?

I keep thinking of the stories my dad used to tell me. He is a science man and he was so happy that I could share that with him. He used to tell me about spiders, how they sing their children to sleep. That has always puzzled me. How could something so awful love and be loved? What would a spider song sound like. I wish I had a mother to sing me to sleep, even if it were just a Spider Song. Oh, how I miss that!!

Could you ever understand this pain? Maybe I could describe it for you. Imagine your favorite thing, being taken from you, burned, and forcing you to get rid of everything that could ever remind you of it. That is what death is like. That is how it feels. But with death, there is no imagining. It is in the air. You can’t escape the feeling of pain, of sorrow. It often overwhelms, tries to suck the life out of you, yourself, to destroy everything that existed while life went on. But life was still going on. It was just passing you by. It just made you stand alone. All alone, you could not seek comfort. You could n