On the Insufferability of Druidom

I think it is time we put this matter to rest by revealing the fruits of my own confusing research. There is nothing to add concerning Druidic levels of consternation, be they Bard, Ovate or Wizardry. After all, mass hallucinations ought to be confined to the venues where they belong, politics and advertising, not fantasy where we depend upon being misled. Modern interpretive insight does little to allay our suspicions about what actually took place because we have failed to appreciate the documented origins. Some of the artifacts still remain and it is erroneous to say there are no records, only that we have been unable to decipher some of them. Let me refute that at once, for I have decoded some of the more cryptic leftovers.

First of all, there is the Stone of Scone. Have any of you touched it? Well, I have, and only by doing so can one appreciate Mesmer’s contribution to clear thinking. You see, it was the Tuatha de Dannan who started the mess. Who was she? Ostensibly, by mystic interpretation and a cold, fanatic look at the jumbled writings of Jeremiah, one concludes that she was a princess of the lost tribe of Dan from Israel, who was accompanied by the tribe of Asher and a high priest (or magician) to Ireland at the time of Nebuchadnezzar or Tiglath-Pileser III in 721 B.C.E. The tribes have never been lost as far as they are concerned. I have no idea why they started calling themselves Druids unless they had an inferior agent.

It is the stone, not the princess, who initiated controversy, although I cannot totally discard the vast influence of females on Irish soil, especially one related to Judah. There can be no doubt that this mal-lithic is the very one used by Merlin to produce his sorceries, including the enormous undertaking of Stonehenge which was little more than a phallic tribute to herniacs at the time. Whereby one naturally concludes that Israel had some inordinately strange rocks in their inventory. Merlin certainly got a lot of play out of it, though blarney was a sad resolution.

Then there is the decisively descriptive sacrifice of the virgins which has been totally misunderstood. Israel would never allow a virgin to escape its territory, so they must have been Irish, as impossible as that sounds. The problem here is the word ‘sacrifice.’

To a Druid, it did not mean extinguish via a woodland, festive rite. My vision seems to indicate the destruction of virginity, ergo debauchery as a more correct interpolation and one that seems to have resulted in Leprechauns, the once legendary fluid Druids of stunted lore. Something has to explain the problem with Irishmen and this may be it.

Finally, there is the explanation afforded by crop circles, once thought to be caused by UFOs or unidentified flying Oghams of Celtic mythology. Actually, they are a surviving remnant of the Druidic practice of celebrating young men’s acquisition of manhood, by chasing them through a field with dull scythes. Further analysis reveals that the patterns thus achieved are little more than the inductees attempt to avoid circumcision, another Israeli influence. So, you see, it is a simple matter after all, one that comes to light with scholarship, perseverence and an inanity that few have tried.