Save The Darkness

Toriares looked at her. Silhouette frowned and gave up her search for cigarettes. "Okay," she said. "Toriares, every person I killed before I . . .I guess I felt like they deserved it, you know? The dealers, that gang we caught trying to colony-jack at Nereus last year? The slavery ring? They deserved to die. I really believe that now."

"And you think Merrin didn't?" Toriares asked. His voice was neutral, there was no anger or judgement in it. She always felt relieved when she heard that tone. One of the things she loved about Toriares was his willingness to listen.

"No. Yes. I don't know," Silhouette sighed. "It was just easier to believe we were the good guys. No one ever ran and gathered up the other people into their arms and asked me why I had done it. It's easier to think they deserve it, I guess. The scum of the galaxy have no friends or family, do they?"

"Sil," Toriares said. "Deserving has nothing to do with it. We do what we do because we're told to. Because somewhere along the way we turned off that mechanism in our brain that said 'This person deserves to die, this one over here doesn't.' And if you're wrestling with this now . . ."

"I know," Silhouette said, looking out the window. "She looked right AT me, Toriares. She asked me why I'd done it. I didn't even draw my gun but it felt like I had killed him myself."

Toriares held the controls steady in his hands and leaned forward. "You couldn't have done anything to stop Kienan," he said. "Kienan does what he's told. That's why I picked him as the shooter. I knew he wouldn't hesitate."

"I'm sorry," Silhouette said. "I couldn't do it. Especially not knowing what I know now. "

Toriares smiled gently. "If it makes you feel any better, neither could I."

Silhouette raised an eyebrow. "You couldn't? You've been doing this for years for the syndicate."

"That's just it, Sil," Toriares said. "I've been doing this too long. I'm starting to lose a step here and there. Kienan's star is on the rise--you guys don't need me anymore. I'm thinking of asking Mao for retirement."

"Kienan doesn't need me either," Silhouettes aid. She suddenly found her throat tight and willed herself not to cry even though the tears in her eyes felt so hot and so heavy.

Toriares chuckled dryly. "Are you kidding? He needs you more than he could ever say. Maybe even more than he knows. He needs you to keep him grounded, to keep him sane."

"I'm not doing a good job of it," Silhouette said. "I saw the look in his eyes when he shot Merrin and when they thew the light on him. Like a wild animal. Just empty white-hot hatred. And sometimes when I look at him I see the same thing. I don't see anything I can reach."

Toriares sighed. "I don't know what to tell you Sil. You and Kienan are my friends. I can't tell you what you should do in this situation. I wouldn't. Kienan's had enough pain in his life, and I won't add to it."

"He told you something?" Silhouette said. "He hadn't told me anything about himself."

"Bits and pieces," Toriares said. "The rest I kinda found out on my own."