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 Method for Defense against Scorpions  (4 ratings)by Fernando Sorrentino Page 1 of 2 People are surprised, fearful and even indignant over the
considerable proliferation of scorpions which threatens Buenos Aires, a city
which until quite recently had been entirely free of this particular genus of
arachnid.
Unimaginative individuals have recourse to an overly traditional method of defense against the scorpions: the employment of poisons. The more imaginative fill their houses with toads, frogs and lizards, in the hope that they will devour the scorpions. Both groups fail abominably: the scorpions firmly refuse to ingest poisons while the reptiles refuse to ingest scorpions. Both groups, in their ineptness and haste, succeed in one thing only: to exacerbate - even more, if possible - the hatred which scorpions profess toward all humanity. I have a different method. I have attempted, unsuccessfully, to disseminate it; like all trailblazers, I am misunderstood. I believe my method to be, in all modesty, not only the best, but the only possible method of defense against the scorpions. Its basic principle consists of avoiding a direct confrontation, of engaging in brief but risky skirmishes, of concealing our enmity from the scorpions. (Of course, I know that one must proceed with caution, I know that the sting of a scorpion is fatal. It is true that if I were to stuff myself into a diving suit I would be completely safe from the scorpion; it is no less true that if I were to do that the scorpions would know, with complete certainty, that I fear them. And I am very much afraid of scorpions. But one mustn't lose his equanimity.) An elementary measure, one which is effective while free from overemphasis on violence and ominous theatricals, is composed of two simple steps. The first is to tie the cuffs of my trousers with very taut rubber bands; this is to prevent the scorpions from crawling up my legs. The second is to pretend that I suffer greatly from cold and to wear a pair of leather gloves at all times; this is to avoid being stung on the hands. (More than one negative spirit has pointed out only the disadvantages that this method entails in the summer without recognizing its undeniable and more general merits.) The head, however, should be left uncovered; this is the best way of presenting the scorpions with a brave and optimistic image of ourselves. Besides, scorpions are not normally in the habit of hurling themselves from the ceiling onto the human face, although at times they do. (This, at any rate, i's what happened to my late neighbor, the mother of four cunning little kiddies, no%v orphans. To make matter s worse, these facts give rise to erroneous theories which only serve to make the struggle against the scorpions more arduous and troublesome. As a matter of fact, the survivng husband, with no adequate scientific basis, affirms that the six scorpions were attracted by the intensely blue color of the victim's eyes and adduces as flimsy proof of such a rash assertion the fact, totally fortuitous, that the stings were distributed in groups of three to each pupil. I honestly believe that this is a mere superstition dreamed up by the cowardly mind of this pusillanimous individual.) Exactly as when on the defense, it is necessary to pretend to be unaware of the existence of the scorpions while attacking them. As though by accident, I - as cool as could be - managed to kill from eighty to a hundred scorpions every day. I proceed in the following manner which, for the survival of the human race, I hope will be imitated and, if possible, perfected. Appearing distracted, I sit down in the kitchen and begin to read the newspaper. Every once in a while I look at my watch and mumble to myself, in a voice loud enough to be heard by the scorpions: "Damn! Why the devil doesn't Pérez call?" Pérez' undepenclability angers me and provides the excuse to stamp my feet wrathfully on the floor a few times; in this way I massacre no less than ten of the innumerable scorpions which cover the floor. At irregular intervals I repeat my expression of impatience and in this manner I manage to kill quite a large number. This is not to say that I slight the equally innumerable scorpions which completely cover the ceiling and the walls (which are five quivering, throbbing, shifting black seas); from time to time I feign an attack of hysteria and hurl some heavy object against the wall, not neglecting to keep cursing that damned Pérez for taking so long to call. It's a shame that I've already broken several sets of cups and dishes and that I live among dented p ots and pans; but the price of defending oneself from the scorpions is high. At last, someone inevitably calls. "It's Pérez!" I shout and rush to the phone. Naturally, my haste and my anxiousness are such that I fail to notice the thousands upon thousands of scorpions which softly carpet the floor and burst underfoot with the gelatinously harsh sound of an egg being cracked. At times - but only at times; it wouldn't do to overindulge in this recourse - I trip and fall full length, thus appreciably enlarging the area of my impact and, consequently, the number of dead scorpions. When I get to my feet once more, my clothes are completely decorated with the sticky corpses of a great many scorpions; detaching them one by one is a delicate task but one which allows me to savor my triumph. Copyright © 1999, 2000, 2001 Fernando Sorrentino, sffworld.com. All rights reserved. No part of this may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the author. The author has submitted the work in accordance with and in agreement with the following Submission Guidelines. |
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