The Evil Psychotic Computer

But Harry was too busy checking his five hotmail accounts to notice. He finished with the last of them with a great dejected shrug of his shoulders. No news from e-bay yet. And then he prepared to turn off Lulu. He flicked the switch briskly.

The glow of her screen died. Lulu’s fan whined and sputtered, and the room grew silent. Harry went out to rake the leaves, then returned an hour or so later to check his e-mail again. As he was checking the second account, Cheryl came home. She was whistling a happy tune until she spied Harry sitting in front of Lulu. Her eyes narrowed and she made a grimace, but then recomposed herself.

"Well, you’ll never believe what happened today, Harry," she sang out, laughing.

"Uh-huh." Harry mumbled, still clicking away on the keyboard.

"I ran into Jonathan Dowley, my old high school boyfriend. You wouldn’t believe how little he’s changed!" Cheryl cried, then sighed. "Harry?"

"Cheryl, you know I don’t like being interrupted when I’m on the computer." Harry said impatiently, eyes still glued to Lulu’s screen. Near the doorway, his wife’s face fell in wounded pride, then began to turn from ash white to a decided shade of pinkish red. Her cheeks were on fire, her nostrils began to flare.

"Lulu again!" She shrieked in a tight, high-pitched little voice. "That’s IT!" She screamed. Harry caught the dangerous tone in her voice too late, turning slightly only by the time that Cheryl had reached Lulu’s power cord and yanked it from the wall; she then yanked the other end from the computer, tearing the cord in two.

Harry sat back in mute horror, blinking.

"You love this blasted computer more than you love me, Harry!" Cheryl shrieked, livid.

"I don’t," Harry protested, slightly intimidated by the first ever display of his wife’s hidden temper.

"Yes, you do, Harry."

"I don’t."

"Oh no?" Cheryl laughed. "Well then, Harry, it’s either Lulu or me. One of us has to go."

"Cheryl, be reasonable-"

"Who says I have to be?" Cheryl demanded. "Ever since we got married you’ve been spending less and less time with me and more and more with her. I hardly ever see you any more, Harry. Jonathan saw me today and asked what happened to the vivacious, light-hearted, confident girl he knew! Well, I tell you what happened to her, Harry! She has to compete for her husband’s affections with an inanimate object, and the worst part is, no one would ever understand my husband’s having an affair with a machine!"

Harry’s mouth popped open, but he didn’t say anything.

"I want a divorce, Harry."

"You can’t mean that, Cheryl."

"I do. It’s either me or Lulu and I know you’ll never give her up."

"I can. I will." Harry protested, shocked and flustered.

"You will?" Cheryl eyed him skeptically. "I don’t like giving ultimatums Harry, but I’m not happy with our marriage anymore. Or rather what happened to it. If you don’t want to be with me, spend time with me-"

"I do." Harry croaked, dry-mouthed. "I’ll take Lu--the computer to a dealer in the morning. You won’t really leave me, will you Cheryl?"

"Well, I do love you, Harry, even if you are a pill at times. I suppose we’ll have to see what happens when you start living in the real, flesh and blood world again."

"Cheryl…"

"What?"

"Just one more time. Let me turn Lulu on one more time and say good-bye to her."