Carrying Daddy's Love

In the black and white photograph on my living room table a girl stands next to her father's truck. The truck she would steal every Friday night without fear. Her smiling lips are fire engine red. The color declares that she is all grown up now. The girl in the picture is my sister. I stood by her in life like I did in the picture. Lila was the middle child. She was only seventeen years old then, but at times she felt older. She was the one that evened out the scale and standing there by that old truck Lila felt the weight of the world on her shoulders. The picture said it all really. Lila standing in the sun, Karen and me in the shadows. She wore a dress that was so white it was blinding. Looking at that white dress was like stepping out into the sunlight after it snows. Lila and her dress made us fade into the background. Me, in the shadows; Karen in the middle, not quite forgotten but out of mind all the same.

Karen stood there next to Lila looking as if she was forcing her smile. Karen was the oldest at twenty-eight years old. Her wisdom showed in her face. Her days of glory had come and gone, but at times she was still the apple of our father's eye. Karen still lived at home even though she was old enough to move out. I never knew what kept her there, not until I was older.

Next to Karen in the picture was me, lil' Annie, the youngest. I was eleven years old then. I was the quiet one. The one daddy looked at but never saw. Poor lil' Annie in the picture, wearing my mother's pearls and Lila's old dress. I guess I was used to hand-me-downs. Hand-me-down clothes, hand-me-down pearls, and hand-me-down love. Little sisters always get what's leftover. When Lila got tired of the fancy clothes daddy bought her, she would let me play dress-up in them and I could keep the clothes that fit me.

Let's not forget those pearls. The ones momma left behind when we were packing to move to Topeka. I had gone back inside to make sure I got all my things and there they were. Those pearls there in the darkness looked like the stars glistening in a midnight sky.

My mother came in and said, " Hurry up Annie we're ready to leave."

" But mom you forgot your pearls." I said as I reached down and picked them up.

" Leave them here I've grown tired of those old things. Now come on."

" Mom can I keep them please? I'll take care of them, I promise."

" Yes. Yes. Now let's go. Your father and sisters are waiting."

How could my mother leave such a precious piece of her life behind? They were the pearls Grandma Sadie gave her. But just like Grandma Sadie those precious jewels had grown old. Mother would replace those pearls, like she replaced my grandmother's memories with new ones. I would never forget my grandmother though; she was the only relative who truly showed me love other than Karen. Grandma Sadie's love was brand new and special. It wasn't the hand-me-down love I got at home. I didn't get what was leftover; I got it while it was fresh out of my grandmother's warm heart.

Grandma Sadie and me shared a secret. A secret no one else knew or at least we thought no one else knew. The secret was about daddy and Lila's love. The love that made momma cry at night. The love Lila would wake up in the middle of the night to go receive. The love that made Lila so special to our father. The love that took Lila's innocence and someday would tear our family apart. One night I decided to ask Lila about that love.

" Lila, what do you and daddy talk about so late at night? I asked, with my most innocent voice.

Lila looked at me with a fire in her eyes as if she was possessed by the devil and said, " What me and my daddy talk about is none of your damn business."