Carrying Daddy's Love

" I'm talking about you Annie. I'm talking about love. The love that brought you into this world, daddy's love.

" I don't understand. What are you saying?" I asked.

" Nothing Annie, nothing at all. If you don't understand now you will when you get older. You'll accept it too. You'll learn to love daddy's love. We all do."

I ran away that night. I ran from Karen's words, from my home, from my family, and from daddy's love. I thought that if I ran hard enough I could catch up with Lila, and if she was really dead I could catch up with her ghost before it reached heaven. I never found either.

I ran for weeks. I think I seen every little country town and suburb in Kansas. I went from shelters to park benches in search of something or someone to love. I kept running until I collapsed in a driveway of a beautiful little cabin. A woman in her mid-thirties came out the next morning and found me. Her name was Elizabeth Montgomery, she became my mother, and her family became my family. The love they showed me erased much of the pain and memories of my home in Kansas City.

Then one day when I was twenty-five years old, I was home visiting Elizabeth with my son and husband for Thanksgiving. She gave me a letter that had been forwarded to her address for me. Inside the envelope was a newspaper article titled, " A Forbidden Love." Karen had written it. The article was about Karen and Lila being sexually molested by our father. Karen was molested first and got pregnant. She was only eighteen. After she had the baby, daddy started on Lila, who was only eleven at the time. The article told of Lila dying during an abortion in our house and being buried in a shallow grave behind in our backyard. All the memories of the night I snuck downstairs flooded into my mind. My big sister lying on the floor dead or dying and I never knew. She was placed in the backyard like a secret, Daddy's dirty little secret buried in the cold hard ground like a puppy or goldfish, hidden away were he thought no one would ever find it.

I also read about the baby, Karen's baby. Karen said that she hoped her daughter was happy and safe. She also said that she was sorry that her daughter never knew she was her mother and how much she and Lila truly loved her.

In the margin of the article Karen had written in black ink: This is for Lila. May her soul rest in peace. This is also for Annie, my Lil' Annie. I hope you found the love you longed for all your life. The love I wasn't allowed to show you as a sister but always wanted to give to you as something more. Annie, no matter what you think of Lila and me you were always loved by us, anything we did right or wrong was to protect you. I loved you more than a sister ever could; I loved you enough to give you life. It was a special love, a forbidden love. Please don't try to contact me. Live your life and love unconditionally, and always know that I'm sorry.

I folded the article and placed it in my purse. I guess that in the end I was thankful Karen was the strong one, the only one strong enough to carry daddy's love. The love that brought his three daughters into this world but made me a bastard child. The love that made Karen my mother and not my sister. The love that killed Lila and tore our family apart. The love that cost me my childhood. Daddy's love, a forbidden love.