Her name, Michelle

I married my first love just out of highschool. We’d always been happy together. We had never seriously fought, and we were truly in love. Soon afterwards, I found out that I was pregnant, to my joy. Not completely to the joy of my husband, however, who was still in law school. I reassured him that we would make it all work, no matter what happened, but still, he was worried.

Seven months later, our beautiful pre-mature daughter was born, Michelle Marie Suchomel. And instantly, we both fell in love with our baby-girl. Although I was taking some classes, my husband, Nate, was gone to school a lot more that I was, and the apartment felt so much less empty and lonely with the baby to keep me company. I was only eighteen, but the love in our family was more than I ever remember feeling before that in my entire life. And we did make it work. Yes, a baby is expensive, but I had plenty of gifts from friends, and I accepted lots of hand-me-downs. And the love I had for my child made every aspect of motherhood worth it.

Sadness enthrones me now to think of my past. The heartache, It seems, may not go away. I had known the pain of death before, but only a mother can understand what it is like to lose a child. I was devastated when I found out Michelle had a heart murmur. I know people can live with them, but she was weak. All I could do for her was hope and pray. My prayers, however, were to no avail.

My baby, Michelle Marie Suchomel, died, at the age of five months and six days old. My baby was gone. My baby! I know my husband cried, but I really don’t recall his tears. What I do remember is that I cried, almost constantly, for the next three months, my friends tried to console me, but nothing helped. I was so caught up in my grief that I didn’t notice I was gaining weight, or that I hadn’t had my period in months.

I soon found out, that I was pregnant again. I wanted to rejoice, I wanted to be happy, really I did, but I just couldn’t. For the first time, I was afraid of parenthood. I had never felt this fear in my first pregnancy.

A few months later, our new baby boy, Matthew Kevin, was born. It was then that I knew that my heart would indeed heal. I still sometimes long for my baby-girl, but Matthew has proved to be an amazing child. My now four year old is happy and healthy. My husband is done with law school, and is a lawyer, although he’s still working on getting his name out into the public, I’m sure he’ll be successful.

I am a writer, and a pregnant one! I’ve had ultra sounds, and I know that my new baby is going to be a girl. And as far as the doctors can see, she is totally healthy. I am so happy that I am able to share the joys of parenthood with my husband. I know fear is inevitable in parenthood, but I have learned that people can’t let fear or pain take over their lives, or they may just miss out on a lot of great things (like hugs from a child!). I think I’ll name my new baby girl Marie, after her wonderful older sister.