The Continuing Adventures of Farfinkle and Friends

"Dingleberries!" cried out Farfinkle, Grand Wizard of the High Guild, the Omnipotent Vizier of the Portron Kingdoms, Master of all Magic’s, Keeper of the Eternal Flame, Controller of the Fires of the White Temple, and most important of all senile doddering old wizard ignored by one and all, "I’ve had enough of this, get in here Grainger, and do it now!"

From the other room came the sound of heavy footsteps; very heavy, slowly plodding and squeaking at every step. "Dingleberries!" Farfinkle bellowed once again (and if you haven’t guessed it by now this is Farfinkle’s favorite expletive), "If I’ve told you once I’ve told you a thousand times Grainger, take your sneakers off in the house, they squeak in the most annoying way", and he was right, especially when the floors are newly waxed as they had been just yesterday afternoon.

"Now Farfinkle, you know that I can’t take them off", Grainger said as he slowly turned the corner, the floor creaking under his immense weight. Stopping at the entrance to "The Chamber", as Farfinkle liked to call it, "I can’t untie the laces since you borrowed my eyeball! How could you have ever let your brother borrow it, you had no right to! I never should have lent it to you. You know it is most inconvenient being a pachyderm with one eye. You’ll just have to put up with it until you get me back my eye!" One can’t really blame him for being testy, after all he only had the one eye.

Now one of the things we can say for certain about elephants is that they always tell the truth. This can be most inconvenient and sometimes just down right embarrassing at times for the person being spoken to or talked about, but one of the few nice qualities about being a half-senile old wizard is being able to pretend, some of the time, that you never hear someone’s complaints about you and the rest of the time you forget that they even said anything to you. This was one of the "I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that occasions".

"Now Grainger", began Farfinkle once again, and this time trying to sound sincerely understanding "I know that you believe that you might have a justified reason to be upset with me…"

"MIGHT! What is this might nonsense?" Just then a strange grimace came across Graingers brow; you might call it a combination of anger with a sense of self-satisfying revenge thrown in. All of a sudden there came the sound. This was the sound that caused Farfinkle to start yelling in the first place. It was sort of like the sound a thick stew makes when it is overheated and starts to bubble. Sort of a sick, clinging puhloppp! Only this time a smell was added to it, or rather, we should refer to it as THE SMELL. This is undeniably the most recognizable smell known to man (and elephants). And with that, a rather disgusting pile of what is commonly referred to as ‘pachyderm poop’ appeared on the floor behind Grainger.

Now ‘pachyderm poop’ has this amazingly different smell to humans than it does to elephants. One whiff and a human wants to gag and go into teary-eyed vomiting convulsions, where an elephant, well it can be best described as having an effect on them as if it were a cross between a marijuana induced buzz and a pheromone induced passion. This smell was so addictive for some that they would sell themselves into the slavery of a thing called a ‘circus’ and perform the most demeaning of stunts, just so that they could be exposed to the abundance of P. P. (as they called it). Few people ever knew that the true reason an elephant walked with its trunk to the ground was the hope of coming across a random offering of it.