Saturday, February 25, 2006
One More Year

It's been a year since I described my feelings approaching the age of 18 in 'Beginnings/Futures'. The 26th of the 2nd is almost here and I just didn't see this one coming. I'm sitting at the pc nibbling melba toast and swigging water in an attempt to sober up a bit. 18 doesn't come with responsibility, it arrives with an invitation to every pub in the country that will be more than happy to make sure you wake up the next morning feeling like a gremlin has spawned in your stomach. And it isn't a happy gremlin, like Gizmo.

Many of my perspectives have changed since then. Or rather, matured. I made the leap from vegetarian to vegan recently, and I've found contentment with who I am through meditation. But where does 19 leave me? I'm still a teenager with a right to be grumpy, argumentative and feel like I'm right all the time. I grew out of that a long while ago, but the teen tag is still attached to me. In a year, I'm 20. Double that and I'm 40. Double that further and I'm stuck in a retirement home watching countdown with other coffin-dodgers, if I'm lucky.

So here's something I didn't know a year ago: It's great to be alive and to have a future that is still unclear to me. I'm going to try and be happy as long as I draw breath upon the earth and where other teenagers choose to cover their eyes with dyed black hair and make-up, I choose to be thankful that I've been given a shot at something incredible, as fragile as it can be.

I hope to make this one count...after all, you're dead for a damn long time.

Posted by Matthew L 2006-02-25 20:03:29

Friday, February 10, 2006
Alive

When do we feel truly alive? I mean, without a care in the world - just glad to be drawing breath upon the earth? I'm sure it's not as much we'd like it to be. I often find myself at my best when I am alone. I've always preferred my own company to think, feel and say what I like without anybody to put me down. This morning I awoke with the sun shining through the window and a clear blue sky. After January being a smeechy grey colour, It's refreshing to awake now in February with the sun waiting for you.

I like to meditate every day, once in daylight and once in darkness. It helps me to be far less self concious and negative, the latter of which I always used to be in my college years. I am now more content with myself and what I do, and feel better equiped to deal with life's challenges.If it's taught me anything, it's that there is a lot to be positive about within yourself and within the world around you, whatever condition it may be in. After all, the sun will always be waiting for you even if the world isn't.

Posted by Matthew L 2006-02-10 07:46:50

Tuesday, June 7, 2005
Clarity

I feel like I've been battered around the last two months emotionally, mentally and to an extent, physically. Well, the latter is a reference to a recent trip to Barcelona I went on, where in fact all three states mentioned above came into play. I won't go into detail but pint glasses were smashed, blood was spilt and for the life of me I couldn't find a decent meal which wasn't smattered with meat. That's the physical side. Walking around with only some fruit bar and a bag of 'Chips ahoy!' inside you. That with tequila slammers in the evening and its no wonder I felt like shit on the plane coming home. I don't fly very well anyway, but a dodgy Spanish excuse for a 'cheese' sandwich before I stepped on the plane didn't help in any way.

As for the trip...well I learnt a few things. Some good, some bad, some worrying and some I still can't figure out. As in, I watched so much pornography on that trip to the extent where I'm not sure if I should be ashamed of myself or not. I'm not talking 3am in a room with the lads watching the tv with pillows over our cocks, but rather proper stuff. Some on big screen, some live, 20 cms in front of me. I didn't even enjoy it that much, which is why I've come to the conclusion that the whole thing was an experience, not something I should scar myself with.

Lately I've been wondering how much time would be saved if people were just...honest. I don't like lying, but I feel that so much time is wasted and opportunities missed because there isn't a full understanding of a situation between people. Think on that and see how the idea may apply to something within your life - it would be great to know if you think the same.

Posted by Matthew L 2005-06-07 19:29:06

Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Forest Walks

Whether it be a huge forest or a dusty path through a wood, the chances are that whenever you step inside, you are stepping through history. The trees conceal memories of everything they have ever seen through the decades, and the whole place swirls with a fresh sense of mystery. I'm not one for the city - an occassional trip into London is all I can handle before someone sneezes in my face on a crowded train. Where I live there is a perfect balance between rural and urban life. To my right - rolling hills and woods, and to my left, paths into town. To be able to wander into the woods whenever you feel you need time alone away from the internet is wonderful. I got out on my own a lot while I was out of college, with 'Gamgee' my Ipod coming with me. I sat by a tree overlooking fields and woods listening to Meatloaf with a great sense of satisfaction and fulfillment. It's certainly not everybody's tonic, and especially not others of my age, But I feel that a wood or forest is not there to be wasted or taken for granted...

One day they may not be there.

Posted by Matthew L 2005-04-12 17:29:10

Friday, February 25, 2005
Beginnings/Futures

It is the eve of my eighteenth birthday, and I don't feel any different. Unlike most people, I'm not going to abuse this 'special' time by heading straight to the pub and coming out ready to puke on a tramp. When asked what I was planning to do, my answer provoked the typical response I have come to expect from others around me. You see, not many understand why I don't go out on the piss every night trying to sink my teeth into some girl I have never even spoke to before. I just don't want to. I'm not a good socializer at parties and I'm mainly content with the quiet life with minimal fuss. I'm not a recluse, I just prefer my own company. So how being 18 will change me as a person, I am unsure.

But I am sure that the next year will probably the most dramatic in my life so far. Most people I know now will be leaving for other parts of the country by September, while I will still be at home and studying at an art college not too far from here. Sure, a couple of my friends will be going there with me but I can't help but feel that we are all in a state of limbo at the moment. For after September the chances that we will all be together at some point is small.I have had no experience of this - I have never moved house or even had to have travelled far to get to college, but I am am so unadventurous to the extent that I just don't want to have to deal with change. It does not excite me in the slightest. I want to do the things I have always done and not let age get in the way.

I'm honestly not old enough to be 18.

(The video for 'Work' by Jimmy Eat World encouraged me to write this blog)

Posted by Matthew L 2005-02-25 16:47:20