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Submitted by rex (Mar 30, 2007)

I would enjoy the story more if you could incorporate more dialogue. As others have said, I found it windy and, therefore, a bit boring. Characters and dialogue would add interest.

I really like the story I wantto read the rest. BUT like Lilly says the long detailed explanation sections could do with a serious pruning. I like the idea of them and I think if each one was limited to one or two sentences it would have a really great rhythm. Another observation: "Gnoreia" is really close to "Gonorea"

You're using way to much exposition in this story. You can't just dump a crapload of information about a planet's evolution into the middle of a scene and expect your readers to slog through it. If you must have all this information in your story, at least put it in a little later, once we've gotten to know your characters and, hopefully, grown to like them well enough to care about the sort of planet they're living on. That said, your prose was pretty good (when you were narrating the story instead of lecturing on geology), and I must admire how thoroughly you have constructed your universe. My recommendation is that you keep this piece as a reference for yourself, but rewrite the scene for your readers with more emphasis on the characters and the plot and less on the details of the universe.

As with most prologues for stories, I was left with a feeling of wanting more, a feeling of being cheated. A couple of pieces of worthless advice: Go back and fix the spacing...put spaces between the paragraphs! It makes it easier to read. Also, make good use of your spelling check and work on editing yourself. This will help you greatly. Otherwise...keep at it. K2