Back to story

Submitted by Lorra (Nov 05, 2006)

I finally was able to read all of TMOK. I agree with the person who commented on your story previously. I think that some help with grammer and spellcheck your story has a lot of potential. A lot of great characters with special powers, very mystical, and I think you could just really shoot off with a fantastic journey, many facets of this story could be explored with all the story lines of the different characters you write about. I would definitely keep working on this one Mike. I will be looking for more additions and changes to this story in the near future!

There are some things that I think you need to work on to make the opening a bit stronger. (I have not yet read your other chapters). Most importantly, more needs to be happening from the beginning. Instead of detailing his day from when he wakesto the class, have the story start with him walking into class with something on his mind. OR perhaps start with a lesson that goes wrong. Also, there are some grammatical issues which need taking care of. Look for sentences that run on, or are incomplete. I would remove the sex description in the first paragraph as it does not really add anything. If you are going to include it, make sure that it is there for a reason. For instance, he would wake up, thinking about them having sex, and thay she seemed more reluctant than usual. Or more passionate than before. Building on that could give good insight in to the dynamics of the relationship.

First thing, you need serious grammar attention! Just kidding, although your grammar and passive voice needs to be fixed. It is the first chapter but I dont know a thing about the main character except he is a mage and just had sex with his wife. I would want to know more if I chose this book off the shelves. I would want to know what the home they lived in was like, or mainly just the man and his wife! So you already know that your detail is very low, but I also want to tell you that this idea could be taken very far as soon as you finished the writing! As my other friends say, keep writing and don't stop the story, when you're finished you can go back and fill in the holes! Good luck!