Back to story

Submitted by Anonymous (Mar 30, 2007)

I felt the writing was amateurish in places...using too many words to express a thought lessens the impact of each word. For example: "Physically, he's everything I'm not. He's tall, whereas I'm short. My ribs could easily be counted; he barely fits through the doorway. He's strong, I'm weak." Your first sentence makes it unnecessary to draw all these comparisons; if he's everything you're not, then it's enough to say that he's tall, broad and strong. We know what you are already. You wrote: "You look around the busy sidewalk for the victor, out of pure curiosity." It would be better to write, "Out of pure curiosity, you look around the busy sidewalk for the victor." See where that's stronger? I have to say that I really didn't "get" the point of the story...

Nasty, brutish and short. But you obviously wanted it that way. Your prose is good, and I look forward to reading what you have to offer in your longer works

Not a nice story, The subject matter sucks ( unfortunately it happens ) , the writing is very good