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Submitted by Alexandria (May 18, 2009)

To start, the concept you were telling the reader is effective: It'll have me thinking for a few days. What I would work on is making sure that there isn't too much repetition. Your first paragraph had four "I"s as sentence starters. a few paragraphs later you do it again with "His" and "He". Last comment is to make sure that you're being consistent in the word tense. But like I said, a good read.