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Dinky Stinkfinger and the Haunted Daruma, by Soft Fluffy Bunnys. by Barry Landis
SUMMARY: Dinky Stinkfinger, the company scapegoat, is revealed to be a figment of a corporate Leadership Team's imagination.
"My charisma makes them love my ass gravy", grunted Mr. Swinecheese, the honorable CEO of Brainwarp Inc. "These extra bonuses will help you to see things my way." Mr. Swinecheese was, in his assistant Miss Lavoritorie's mind, a golden Pharoh king with special powers.
"Quite right", quipped Hensworth.
"Exactly!!" added Buzzflap. That word "exactly" was well timed, he thought...worth 3 points. "This is my month", he thought. Buzflap was in the Novermber spotlight. His official metrics were in decline, but unofficially he was off the charts. Just last month he scored 8 gold points on his "willingness to lick manipulative bald swine's ass-crack" metric, resulting in a "social skills of the month" diamond studded pin, a $500 bonus, and an invitation to this meeting.
"If only a grunt could program Unix on roller skates!!! Ha Ha Ha", joked Mr Swinecheese with lightning quick wit and an eloquent twang at the end of the word "skates" which everyone savored like a drop of dew to a thirsty camel or something like that. Everyone laughed until their bellys were sore. "....and don't stand on your heads" he added, "like payroll checks finding patterns in data"....uncomfortable pause.....followed by another round of uncontrolled laughter. "Put an appointment on my calendar", Swinecheese commanded his secretary. "Tomorrow I'm painting the other eye of the Daruma".
The Daruma was a sort of coconut head that the CEO played black magic with. Painting an eye was symbolic of setting a new corporate goal.
Dinky Stinkfinger, an undercover reptilian from the planet Galacticus, dwelt in the only cubicle in an entire building full of offices with big desks. He had been with the company for 35 years. "Star station 64 to Ice Zone, come in Ice Zone", Dinky secretly announced in brain talk. Brain talk was invisible to everyone but Dinky and his Captain Kirk poster. He checked his email account for a response from Casandra Smiggins, then began to type. "CASANDRA, LAST WEEK I SUBMITTED A REPORT ENTITLED "RELATIVITY, IT'S USES IN CORPORATE MARKETING AND ACCOUNTING. I AM YET TO RECEIVE A RESPONSE. IF YOU FIND MY REPORT INTERESTING, PLEASE SAY SO BEFORE FRIDAY SO THAT I CAN CANCEL MY BACK UP STRATEGY.
"And call Longarm", commanded Swinecheese. (No one could destroy a reputation or "take down" an enemy like Stroman Longarm, Swinecheese's main goon.)
The week had been a stressful one. The 134th Leadership Meeting was complete, and over the next few weeks these would be winding down. Swinecheese kicked back his swivel chair and glanced at his confidential notes. Miss Lavoritorie watched admirably as Swinecheese read from his secret notebook. What magical formulas did the genius Pharoh King keep in these war torn pages? The notes had redundancies, and rambled a bit, but they became Swinecheese's map to success. He used his finger to read...."Strategic use of rewards and punishments....create a culture of elite..tell them they're better to create an army of clones, reward them for going out of communication with the rest of the group, especially if they show loyalty to my every word....promote those for, uh, "having that special something"...uh...keep other employees busy...break everyone's will, especially those who show the least loyalty to my every word...use tasks/criticism/task criticism to break the unloyal..then lay in suggestions with promises of millions as a reward.....accompany suggestions with rewards...(if you believe THIS you will make millions of dollars)....if anyone expresses concern tell the busy folks that these slackers are dead weight....get everyone on a roll and then push it where I want.....Keep a wave of tasks...DO THIS, do this, do this, do this, SAY THIS, THINK THIS, THINK THIS AND YOU WILL BE RICH!!." Use the empowered elite to control the few annoying folks who think they are human without me, and (AM I A GENIUS OR WHAT!!) if I accompany every statement with a promise of reward I can motivate these rejects to respond to my every word on command...(YEA!!!....If you believe this (lay in suggestion here) you will make millions and millions of dollars, If you believe this "suggestion" you will make millions and millions of dollars).