Critique Needed: The Mysterious Disappearance by Benjamin Gardner

(Page 1 of 2)

(1 rating)
Rate this Story (5 best)

 

SUMMARY: This is the beginning of a book idea I had. Honest critique on grammer, writing style, content ect very much appreciated.

Chapter One
The Mysterious Disappearance

Zair ran his fingers through his short brown hair and checked his watch. Five-thirty. Suddenly the book he was reading slipped from his lap, as the bus swerved across the gravely country road. "Damn potholes", he whispered under his breathe. Outside Zair could hear the patter of rain falling on the bus's metal shell. Zair tried to continue reading, but he was too agitated. His limbs throbbed, and he barely resisted the urge to stand up and stretch while the bus was in full motion.
Zair closed the book with a snap, setting it inside the compartment under his seat. Bored, he surveyed the bus. The only other passenger was his twin sister. For the thousandth time Zair noted how similar he and Rachel were. They were both tall skinny, and had brown hair. Rachel was still wearing her Jerard uniform white pants and a white collared shirt. Ugly, he thought. She sat with her legs crossed, eyeing the bus driver, as if she worked for the DMV.
"How far do you think we're from grandfather's?" Zair asked.
"Really close...we've been driving for nearly six hours." Rachel replied.
Zair checked his watch. No, six and a half hours.
"I'm just glad to get away from Jerard, that school was awful,"
"Tell me about it..." Rachel added sarcastically.
Both twins sat in silence, catching a glimpse of the countryside just before it became completely dark. Eldora is an amazing place. Pressing his face onto the cold glass, he could barely make out the farms and small houses skattered across the hillside.
A few minutes later the bus came to a skidding halt outside an ancient looking Mansion. The building was partially obscured by a row of weeping willows out front. This can't be right... Rachel and Zair gloomily thanked the driver and climbed off the bus with their luggage dragging behind. Together stopped before the ominous mansion, and exchanged looks.
"You sure this is the right place?" Zair asked.
"Doesn't look right, check the address,"
Zair fished a scrap of paper out of his jeans' pocket and read, " 945 Spruce Country Road, Eldora, New Heygon,"
"Yeah, this is the house," Rachel said, pointing at the address written on the mailbox.
Zair carefully ran to the front door, trying to avoid puddles and ditches, with his sister close behind. The lawn was poorly kept, and waterlogged. Stone pillars stood on either side of the entranceway, and an enormous mahogany door loomed in front of them.
Zair tentatively raised the great iron knocker, which was intricately molded in the shape of a wolf's head and let it fall with a clang. A few seconds passed before a handsome man opened the door and smiled warmly at the two teenagers. His hair was white, and for a sixty-year-old, his skin looked taught and young. A pair of old spectacles rested on his crooked nose.
The man ushered Zair and Rachel out of the rain, and provided them with towels to dry themselves. From the inside, the mansion was much more welcoming. Beautifully carved tables, chairs and desks furnished the rooms. Zair felt dizzy looking at the thousands of dusty books that sat in antique bookshelves.

Next Page