The Human Virus by Aditya Bidikar

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SUMMARY: A future bureaucrat gives a speech about the development of the human species. Qaulifies more as dark comedy than sf, but a bit creeped in anyway.

New Year message delivered by Prof. Delilah Johnson,
Head of Department of Earth History,
Venue: UN Building, Red Spot, Jupiter.
Date: 31st December, 7999.
Time: 11:50 P.M.


I'm sorry to say this now, but I feel this is the time to talk about the recent tragedy on Earth. We have all been shaken by it. But we must face it.

But before we talk about it, something about our past.

In the late 20th century, some people propounded a theory that compared us humans with viruses. You probably know what viruses were, organisms that infected one organism, and then, after finishing it, moved on to another, healthy one, then infected it, and so on. But this isn't about them. People failed to see the relation of the above-mentioned fact and the theory, but the group, which was called the Human Virus, or HV Group, said that we are viruses of planets. The total human population then was 5 billion. The HV group said that humans would move on to other planets, like Mars, Jupiter, and so on, and infect them.

People were horrified, of course. And they thought it was preposterous. Humans were better than that, they thought. But of course, their sense of morality was really screwed up in those days. And anyway, time is witness to the fact that humans have rejected the best and the most basic ideas as heretic since the middle ages - probably since long before that.

Anyway, the theory was first presented to the layman by the Wachowski Brothers in the form of a scene in the celebrated 20th century film 'The Matrix' where one of the agents says to a human, and I don't quote the exact words, that, "You humans are like a virus. You multiply, and keep multiplying. Then you go to another place, and multiply."

The importance of these words wasn't realised by the rulers of the world till the late 21st century, when the first human colony on the moon was formed. At this point, the HV group was revived, and this time it contained five thousand people, and the human population was 7 billion. Slowly, representatives of the group entered governments, the UN, and other organisations. By the end of the 22nd century, 66% of the human population was a member of the HV group, and the population of Earth was 9 billion, and that of the moon was 500 million. The group was extremely popular for two reasons. One was that the theory had been fed to the humans for a very long time now, so they had become used to it and its truth. And the other was that they could now, ethically and with great conviction, populate, pollute and destroy the world without any inhibitions. After all, they reasoned - quite rightly too - that they were there to do just that.

From that time, we have succeeded in destroying the moon, and much later, Mars. The Earth turned out to be unreasonably difficult to kill.

But, my dear friends, three days ago, we succeeded in doing just that. Which is what I am here to talk about.

There were, a week ago, some 18 billion people on Earth. Three days ago, Earth was finished. 15 billion people died for the cause. We mourn them, but we also feel proud that they died martyrs.

The 3 billion that survived - who are currently recuperating in the three space-stations around the dead Earth - will be felicitated as they deserve, and will then be sent to Saturn to help the cause there as able consultants. After all this time, we understand that they will love to have jobs and get actual food.

Jupiter is almost finished too, and I'm proud to say that it has only about seventy years more to live. Let's celebrate, people. But first, let us keep a two-minute silence for our people who died on Earth, which we succeeded in ending at an opportune time. Jesus would have been proud, people.

With these words, I finish my speech today, 31st December, 7999, at 11:59 P.M.

Happy New Year.