Teen Trash by Tiffany Little

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SUMMARY: A sarcastic and cynical take off of the 'teen novel' uncomplete

Hi, I'm 17, about 5ft7, slim and blonde with sea green eyes and just the lightest sprinkling of freckles across my nose. I love discos and shopping and playing sport. I'm the head cheerleader in my schools cheering squad, and I'm the most popular girl in school . . .

BANG! Mwaha!

Sorry just busting my bubble, yeah right like that lot was true, what d'ya think this is? Some trashy teen novel full of gorgeous guys with a whole bunch of slang in it that we've never heard of? AND of course set in America, as all the trashiest of these dumb novels are!

Give me some credit!

Anyway I'll start again.

Hi I AM 17, and I AM 5ft7, but rather than slim, I'm more like lanky and I'm a brunette, well. . no actually a rather mousy sorta brown colour and I have grass green eyes and unfortunately loadsa freckles everywhere! URGH! Who would of thought loadsa of lil brown splurges could be the bane of my existence!

I do love discos only I never get invited to any, and I do love shopping only I never have any money. Sport I hate probably because I cant do it to save my life and cheerleaders, we don't even have and if we did? Well I wouldn't be the squad. However I am the most well known girl in school . . . . . the best known for being a GEEK! *Sigh*

Woe is me, cant they see that in this gruesome chrysalis a beeeeuuuutiful butterfly is waiting to emerge, just not within my lifetime.

Poor moi! Don't you think?

By now half the pretty blonde birds reading this have become bored and have buggered off to go wash their hair or do their nails or to go and floss between their ears. They were hoping this would be some touching teen dream story . . . now only geeks like me remain glued to this page.

As much as I slag off those stoopid teen novels I do love them, I mean all those stories of the geek getting the guy and/or getting made over by the school hunk to win a bet and falling in love with him and/or suddenly finding that your in the ‘in' crowd! They sorta inspire hope into people like us. They give us hope and because of these stories we never give up. BUT really do we pray for that sort of stuff to happen? Nahhhhhhhh! Course not, we are quite happy being heckled and taunted everyday of our school lives! COURSE WE BLOODY WISH FOR THAT TO HAPPEN! For a while until we realise its never going to happen and we WAKE up and start accepting ourselves. This is why I'm here to help you accept yourself . . . . . . . PSYCH! This ain't no self help book but maybe through these fantastic story telling skills of mine you can realise that you are just as special and desirable as those perfectly preened pre-Madonna madams!

So, this is MY story. Where the bloody hell to begin, ummmm, err.

My mum always said they were jealous coz I iz well clever :o) heh heh. But that doesn't make me feel much better when I hear tales of their drunken exploits at Yates and Whetherspoons, NOT that going out and getting totally smashed is my idea of having fun right? I like settling in with a good book or doing some art. YES and WHAT IS THE PROBLEM WITH THAT? Yeah, I see what you mean, it is sort of . . .well geeky. I wasn't always a geek, I'm sure . . . . I used to like dancing and I was really good at it, but now

Alas. I'm hopeless, I'm so ridged I can't even do the robot properly. Seriously my once lithe lil boo-tay is now lank and lifeless. That is unless steps ‘5,6,7,8' comes on, and well who likes steps nowadays? Uh huh! First prize, you got it, nerds, geeks, etc etc..... The list goes on and so could I.