A Smurf-tastic Satire
By William Hrdina
Somewhere, deep, deep in an enchanted forest, there was a village. The village was hidden away in a secret grove inhabited by tiny blue creatures, two and a half apples tall. They wore white hats crammed over the top of their little blue heads. They were all male, except one, and they were known most commonly as The Smurfs.
The village was made up of about twenty huts carved out of bright white and red polka-dotted psychedelic mushrooms. One Smurf lived in each hut. Usually all the Smurfs went to bed early. But on this night, no one was at home (Except for agoraphobic Smurf- he never left his hut), all of the Smurfs were gathered around a bonfire they'd built up in the middle of a clearing.
Lying in a comparatively massive heap, enormous compared to the tiny Smurfs, was the unconscious and thoroughly bound figure of Gargamel, the Smurfs sworn enemy. The capture of Gargamel was the fruition of a two month, overly elaborate plan that boiled down to bribing Azreal, Gargamel's long suffering cat, to switch sides for a lifetime's supply of primo Northern Lights Catnip and the opportunity to piss on Gargamel's head in retribution for far too many hits and kicks delivered out of nothing but his master's inability to outsmart a single Smurf- despite several years effort.
"We're going to need more fire." Neocon Smurf demanded of Fundamentalist Christian Smurf. "God demands we burn Gargamel good and crispy."
Fundamentalist Christian Smurf nodded in vehement agreement, "It says so in the Smurf Bible." He stood up straight, put his arms behind his back, and recited, "And lo anyone who smurfs with you, you need to smurf them up good and proper, really smurf their ass and don't take no smurf from them!"
"Praise Smurf Jesus!" Neocon Smurf agreed and rolled his eyes. Neocon Smurf only used religion to manipulate the tiny brain of Fundamentalist Christian Smurf. You could get him to do damn near everything so long as you told him it was what Jesus Smurf wanted him to do.
It wasn't like Jesus Smurf was around to contradict what Neocon Smurf said, he spent all of his time wandering around the woods alone- only returning long enough to hit up Stoner Smurf for a bag of smurf and to grab another hunk off of his psychedelic mushroom hut.
Emo Smurf wandered by, wearing all black and muttering poetry to himself. He saw what was happening with Gargamel and said, "Not that I care, but what are you going to do with him?"
"Burn him! Burn him!" declared Pyromaniac Smurf, his eyes twinkling in the firelight.
Corporate Smurf wandered up to the growing crowd gathering around Gargamel. "What's this I hear about burning? That's perfectly good human meat. We should make Migrant Worker Smurf cut up his body and package it and then I can sell it and keep all the money! That would be a sound business solution."
"I hate sound business solutions." Proclaimed Grouchy Smurf, kicking the ground.
Hypochondriac Smurf tried to get the attention of anyone willing to listen.