But that's enough of a history lesson. You get the idea. Besides, Bob Hannerhan's time is over. Now it's my time- time for Johnny Swaingo to shine. Time for me to put my stamp on the world so no one will never forget I was here. And I deserve it because whether people see it or not, there's an art to what I do.
Some people say I'm evil. Some people think I'm a crass, cynical jerk to whom nothing is sacred. I'm going to argue nothing could be further from the truth. Instead of the devil, I think I'm a saint. What I do is important- vital really.
So why am I calling this a confession? Because despite what I just said, we have, I fear, gone a wee bit over the line this time- even for us. I know what I'm going to do is wrong. But this knowledge is not going to stop me. Because I get to do something very few men get to do. Something I think most women would say no one should ever do- and they're probably right. But I don't care. I'm about to rewrite 2000 years of history at a penstroke. Who gets to do that? This guy- that's who. I might get my own statue right next to Bob Hannerhan. Hell, I might get a bigger statue than Bob Hannerhan.
As soon as I get done setting this story to paper I am going to go downstairs and sign, with the Pope, an agreement to an official re-interpretation of long standing Catholic doctrine. From this day forward, the Cathlolic Church is reversing its stated dogma regarding Jesus and the Last Supper. The existing story, that Jesus turned his blood into wine- will be denounced as an unfortunate mistranslation.
From now on, the story of the last supper will feature Jesus lifting the cup which would eventually become the holy grail (another nice product tie-in if you ask me) up to heaven and say, "Take this all of you and drink from it. This is my blood, made from fabulously thirst quenching coca-cola- which I have given up- for you."
Can you believe it? I mean, seriously.
Quite a coup, eh? If Dad could see me- well, he'd probably be appalled, he was one of those whiny tree-hugger types. The saddest thing about my old man- his whole shtick with the save the earth and all that hokum- we were the ones who came up with that! We connected the limited resources people with the worry-warts a couple of centuries ago for a guy who wanted to increase his sales volume of bumper stickers- its old hat now. We're behind all kinds of stuff. Product placement in television shows and movies? That was us.