The Tale of Wapobabka by William Hrdina

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SUMMARY: A rather off-kilter story about a rather off-kilter Greek Legend.

The Tale of Wapobabka
A Short Story by
William Hrdina

Gather round my friends, to hear the tale of Wapobabka, a man whose deeds echo through the ages like a fart in a stiff wind. For although Wapobabka is a hero in every sense of the word, he has never taken his proper place in history and it is my hope to clarify his role and glorify his name in this great hall- under the sigils of generations of Kings- to tell a tale of credit stolen and adoration misplaced- the story of Wapobabka and King Minneapolis- and the 213th sacking of Troy.
You all, of course, know the epic tale of the victory of King Minneapolis over the Trojans. You know that the wily Trojans, playing on Poseidon's joy in thwarting Zeus's plans- made great sacrifices in both animals and women to inspire Poseidon to raise a great storm and cast all of King Minneapolis's ships up against the rocks- crushing the King before he even had a chance to raise his sword in offense.
In the tales of the unlikely, and miraculous victory of King Minneapolis, the storm is presented as a great cataclysm, it is said that it was necessary for Zeus himself to place his hand over King Minneapolis's boat and prevent Poseidon's thrashing waves from dragging the boat down into the depths of the murky, blood drenched sea. And so the story goes that only a very few boats were able to limp their way up onto the long, flat beaches of Troy. Of course, King Minneapolis's boat was among those that survived. Some tellers of tales will report it was by King Minneapolis's quick reactions and insurmountable boatsmanship that any of the crafts were able to thwart Poseidon's raging waters. King Minneapolis stepped onto the shores of Troy soaked, and with a horribly decimated army. But he was not to be defeated. Instead, King Minneapolis faced down insurmountable odds in his battle against King Agamemememon and the Trojans. Girded by Zeus, King Minneapolis refused to submit and after a rousing speech, his army, outnumbered 9 to 1, managed to fell King Agamemememon and burn the entire city of Troy to the ground, murdering all of the children, raping all of the women, and stealing all of the gold- as any good king should.
But, although this tale is well known and often told, I fear it has only the barest outlines of truth. The real truth is much more noble, more heroic- and sadly, far more barbarous than mere victory girded by the Gods.
But perhaps now we need to go back to before the famed battle at Troy, all the way back to the day King Minneapolis's ships set sail for the famed city. King Minneapolis was, of course, ruler of Cretin- a small sub-island of Crete which tragically sunk into the ocean- and because his kingdom was so small, King Minneapolis always had trouble raising armies- there simply weren't enough able bodied young men. This was how our hero Wapobabka found himself on the flag ship of King Minneapolis's fleet- as a lowly deck hand.
Until the day King Minneapolis's "recruiters" came across Wapobabka walking along from a trip to the well to get water to cook the evening meal, Wapobabka had never set foot on a boat.