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Captain Hiscock's 27th Wrestling Tournament by Jonathan Llewellyn
SUMMARY: Submitted for the March Flash Fiction Contest.
This story is a parody of Star Trek. It's very stupid.
Captain Hiscock pushed the record button on his bridge chair computer. "Space, the final frontier, these are the voyageurs of the starship Kerri Oki, to..." Hiscock stopped as though lost in thought. "Fuck!"
"Captain Sir, the ship is warmed up and ready to go."
Hiscock groaned. "Very well Mr.McCrevice." Leaning back in his command chair, he casually studied his finger nails. "Say McCrevice, what was your first name again?"
"It's Phil." The officer said.
The Captain thought on it for awhile. "Phil McCrevice eh?" he said. "I'm still not feeling it, can't imagine why those kids were laughing at you."
"I can't either. Can we go now sir?"
"Very well." Captain Hiscock leaned heavily on his arm rest and held his other arm up in the air. "Engage," he said as he mimed throwing a small ball.
A multitude of stars blazed past the sides of the view screen as the ship hurled itself through the universe. Suddenly however, a giant face appeared in the distance.
"Jesus Cock, what the hell is that?" Hiscock asked.
"It's a giant face." Cock said as he punched a few buttons on his console. The alien had served on the ship for the last five years, the Captain has always called him cock, perhaps because of the cock like antennae that hung from his head.
As they drew nearer the ship came to a stop.
"McCrevice, why are you stopping the ship!?!" Hiscock shouted.
"I'm not sir."
"I STOPPED YOU... YOU HOOMAN!" The giant face bellowed, it looked like any other normal human except that it didn't have a body; it was in space; it was giant; and it had a big mole on its forehead.
"Who..." Hiscock said, pausing for effect. "Or what... are you?"
"I AM THE GREAT, SAL M'NELLA."
"What do you want?"
"I WANT YOU TO GET THIS FUCKING MOLE OFF MY FACE!"
Hiscock stood up, holding his square chin high. "Release my ship!"
"Yes!" Hiscock stomped on the floor.
"Sir?" Cock asked as he stared into a weird viewfinder thingy. "Perhaps we could use our phasers to burn it off."
Hiscock rubbed his sculpted chin. "We can do that?"
"Theoretically sir, it should work quite well."
"Well now, you see giant face we can help you. Now release my ship and I will give the order." Hiscock returned to his chair.
"NO! SHOOT IT OFF FIRST OR YOU WILL PAYYYYYY!!!"
"We of the Worldly Wonders Federation do not submit to terrorism." Hiscock said coolly.
"ARRRRAGGHHHHH!!!!" the giant face yelled. "THEN WE SHALL HAVE A TOURNAMENT.... TO THE DEATH!"
Immediately Captain Hiscock vanished into nothingness.
Realizing that Hiscock was gone, Cock walked to the bridge chair and sat down accidentally knocking over Hiscock's ‘Cock of the Walk' dancing trophy that had been sitting on the ground next to it.
"What will we do Mr. Cock?" McCrevice asked. "They took Captain Hiscock."
"Nothing." Cock said. "Ensign, display the fight on the viewscreen."
"Yes sir," the young Engisn sitting at the helm pressed a few buttons.
"Also," Cock said. "Send word for the movie editor. I want numerous points of view, closeups and exciting grandiose fight music."
Back on the planet, things were beginning to get intense.