Squeak. Squeak. Squeak.
Thomas Langschlaf opened his eyes, dazed. He stared right into the eyes of a sexy girl wearing a tiny bikini. The bed underneath him moved rhythmically, rocking him up and down, springs squealing under the strain.
"Get ... up! Get ... up! Get ... up!"
Thomas tore his gaze away from the poster of the half-naked photo model on the wall and rolled onto his side. His mien darkened with aggravation as his gaze focused on the pixie bouncing up and down on his bed.
He moaned. "Izko! I told you! This is not a trampoline!"
The tiny creature performed a double black flip, landing gracefully on one leg.
"Show off," Thomas sighed.
The pixie pointed a long-nailed index finger at him. "You should be nicer. Our Pixie-Dating-Agents have pleasant news. "
Thomas cocked an eyebrow. "Yes?"
"We have a match."
"A match?" he repeated eagerly. "You mean..."
"Yes. A perfect fit. She loves geeks and pudgy men, and she is as hot as hell's fire."
Before Mr. Langschlaf could assimilate this astounding information (one must add that he had been dreaming and wishing for this moment for years) Izko grabbed him with his little hand and flung him out of bed as if he were one of the blow-up dolls that were hidden in his bathroom closet. With a surprised ‘Ooof' he landed most inelegantly on the dusty carpet.
"Hi..." he mumbled, staring at three pixies who had appeared out of thin air. They grinned mischievously, baring sharp teeth.
Thomas winced. This is why I do what they say, he thought meekly. They are unbelievably strong and ... freaky.
Under the command of Izko, the three pixies set to work on him. After a whirlwind of movements, painful pinching, jabbing, biting and hair-pulling, he was back by the bed, bathed, pedicured, manicured and clothed in a fine white suit.
Izko snapped his fingers and a mirror appeared before Thomas.
He gasped. "Is that me?" Catching Izko's condescending gaze, he cleared his throat and blew up his chest. "Well," he said in a deep, mellifluous baritone. A smug grin slashed across his face. "Where is the fortunate lady, then?"
The mirror suddenly transformed into a portal: a blue and white whirlpool turned before Thomas' eyes.
"Pixies!" Izko screamed. He was known to be a particularly harsh Pixie Commander. The three soldiers clicked their heels, attentive. "Code 666 has begun! Inform all teams!" With a wave of his index finger he dismissed them and with three Poofs they vanished.
"666?" Thomas asked. "That's not a lucky numb ... ahhhhhhhh." A hard kick from Izko had sent him spiralling into the portal and away.
Elevator doors opened and Thomas stumbled into a corridor. He glanced right and left. Nobody had seen him. Good.
Now, where am I?
A golden plaque was fixed to the wall. It read: Floor 6 Rooms: 611-666.
Beneath shone the emblem of the Ritz-Carlton Hotel Moscow.
"Moscow?" Thomas blurted. "What the heck?"
The emblem transformed into Izko's child-like face. "Room 666," he said. "Don't mess this up. This may be your one and only chance to find a woman. Good luck." With a wink, he disappeared.
An iron fist punched into Mr.