The Chat Room by Jim Vaughn

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One day not to many days into the darkness, she says to me in a suggestive manner maybe tonight I should call her at home, her kids are spending the night at a friends house, maybe we could have a more intimate conversation. I go directly to work , I ask my boss if it's O.K. if I work through lunch and maybe get off early, he asks if I have a big date with a smile, I smile back and say sure enough do, he laughs and said sure go ahead.

I ran home as fast as I could and take a shower, put on my best cologne as if I were going to meet her at a restaurant. It amazes me I am going through these predate rituals because she wouldn't know if I had on my dirtiest boxers and a ragged sweatshirt, but I go through them anyway,

Tonight I'm prepared her number is long distance and I decided to purchase a phone card, we talk for several minutes when she suggests that I could describe myself stripping her and then what I would do to her. There was a time I would have thought this to be errant behavior but now I find it to be perfectly within the realms of normalcy. It is an amazing act of love we create that night full of passion and lust, One that I will never forget.

I spend almost everyday speaking to her on the phone now, whether it be at night from the privacy of my humble studio apartment or from the front seat of my delivery truck. We become kindred spirits of sorts I tell myself. After all we have shared so much of ourselves these last months that I now know how it is she thinks.

Last evening as I was sitting there awaiting her arrival, wondering why it was she hadn't answered my calls, I became agitated at the rest of the people in the room. Some of the clan asked what was the matter, I said nothing but that I had a long day, finally she arrived, I felt the flutter of bowling balls as they slid all the way down my throat, I act like I hadn't noticed she was late. She had tense writing style, saying to me that we need to talk privately. I sent her an e-mail asking if I should call, she said no send me an instant message.

I asked her what was wrong, her reply is I need companionship in my life, I jokingly say well I am your companion, she replies "no" someone I can hug and hold and snuggle with at night. And that person can never be you.

I think back on the people I listened to describe fontal compatibility and never understood the term until that moment, I never until then knew of love as a convenience. But I do understand the pain of forsaking my dreams and ambitions for a woman I knew I could never touch.

Well Christmas has come and gone, but I did manage to call her, we discussed it and concluded we could and should be friends. I wonder if she knows that when I think of a day without her in my life it makes me physically ill. I decide that a little piece of hardly anything is a smaller price to pay then to deal with the pain it causes me when I don't have contact with her.

We delude ourselves by making friend words and friend sounds all the while feeling the pain that each other feels.