03/12/03 Time: 15:03:18 Location: Somewhere snowy For Bob the elf life was good. Your average day consisted of getting up early, listening to Nick rant and rave like some devil-possessed lunatic who hasn't had morning coffee yet, get a pat on the back for a job well done off Mrs C - once El Nino was spent and had gone to devour a dozen iced cakes and a pot of the black wake-up juice, talk ideas over with the foreman, Mike was a decent sort of elf, then fill out the orders. It was temporary work, seasonal you might say, but it payed better than his summer job as a film extra, bloody human elves just weren't realistic but did anyone listen? Course they bloody didn't, they saw green but it wasn't a CGI Eric Bana look-a-like. This average day was different. The factory was a hub of disbelief, pained expressions and ........ Nick ranting and raving like some satan-inspired gargoyle. Ok slightly different then. "Rudolph you soon-to-be-steak if you don't bring the magic dust back right now I'm cranking up the barbie." It is worth clearing up at this point that magic dust refers to the substance which makes the presents create smiles on little childrens faces, it is not a drug. Santa doesn't do drugs. Secondly barbie is a phrase Nick picked up on his trips down under, that is to say the continent and former penal colony known as Australia. It refers to a barbeque on which meats are cooked in the open air, not Ken's 'special' friend. Lastly Rudolph, being the somewhat temperamental git he is, doesn't take well to threats. Being 'urinated on from a great height' is a phrase humans have taken to mean bad luck, however the stem of the phrase originates with Rudolph who has mastered the art, much to Nick's disgust. "F****** flying bag of red-nosed s***, I'll f****** have you!!!!!!" It is unclear whether a study has been done to accurately approximate the capacity of a reindeer's bladder however if Mrs C had not stepped in at this point Nick would have quickly found out, hit and run taking on a whole new connotation. "Nick, shut up!" "But Mary ........" "No buts Nick, be quiet. And you Rudolph, you come down here right now, that ceiling could be very dirty and I refuse to wash your coat again after the last time." "You're so unfair, I hate you I do, making me wear that coat when its illuminous yellow with a ...hood! Its so not cool." "Dear, we explained to you why that was, now down." "But ........." "Down!" Mrs C, she was a fine dame, ran this place like clockwork and what a boss, no elf could want for more, well except the illuminous yellow eye sore and a decent part in Lord of the Rings. "Now rudy..." "You did that on purpose, you know I hate it when you do that, my name is Rudolph." "Sorry, Rudolph, now then did you take Mr C's magic dust." "Nope not seen it since I used it to try and make the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles real." "I knew that was you you you little bugger, I'm gonna deep fry you......" "Nick!" "Sorry, I didn't get any sleep last night and I'm sure you know why." "Yes, well it is christmas sweetheart, a time of 'giving'." "You don't need to bloody tell me, I invented it didn't I." "No." "Oh, worth a try, no guts no glory." "I'm certain you have more than enough of both love. And where do you think your going young deer? Do you know if any of your brothers and sisters have it." "Nope." "Would you go find them and ask them for me?" "Nope." "Shift it or no feed for you tonight." "But........" "No buts." "That is so unfair, I ..." "Got the picture last time, move." So it was that Rudolph set off to find his siblings. It was not going to be a good, average day.