Critique: Chapter 1: Gargoyles

Discussion in 'Writing' started by SubZero61992, Jan 14, 2005.

  1. SubZero61992

    SubZero61992 Registered User

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    Is this a good start? Even if it isn't, I am continuing it but I still want your comments. I know it isnt very catchy but hey!, what good books are?

    Chapter 1: Gargoyles

    Gargoyles.
    The most peaceful creatures of earth.
    They dwell deep inside of their mountains, where a giant city was created from wood and stone by the Elders of over one million years ago.
    Gargoyles often kept to theirselves, though every now and then people reported that a gargoyle had walked into a town and examined it.
    Although Gargoyles are at peace within theirselves, they still keep a sturdy army and weapon system just incase the demon Lord Fangolar was ever ressurected again. Nine thousand fifty seven years ago Lord Fangolar was revived after a one hundred year long death, he gathered all evil, vampires and his demons tempted even some men to fight alongside him.
    Thus began a war. Gargoyles vowed to never fight the war unless it reached their mountains. The tribes and kingdoms of men had no chance of defeating the evil army, so in time the war reached the Gargoyle mountains. The King at the time was Kafonin, he led an army of nine thousand against the evil army and with brute force ripped it apart.
    The Gargoyles did not expect anything for their accomplishment, so they went back to their peaceful lives in the mounatin and remained to theirselves for years and years to come.
     
  2. MrBF1V3

    MrBF1V3 aka. Stephen B5 Jones

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    The beginning of a story doesn't always have to be catchy, just interesting.

    Well, there is lots of great information here, enought to get a readers imagination jump started. However, there is a lack of action. It's like a history lesson. Might I suggest you find a way to tie the history into the story plot, refer back to what had happened before as often as necessary.

    Just my opinion, of course.
    B5
     
  3. Abby

    Abby enslaved to my writing

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    Ditto.
    This is a lot of exposition; background rather than a character or situation we can get hooked with.
    Also, there are a few typos, and the tense shifts from present to past.
     
  4. SubZero61992

    SubZero61992 Registered User

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    Can you please show me what typos there is?
    I only found one, but maybe you meant improper use of a word or something.
     
  5. SubZero61992

    SubZero61992 Registered User

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    I am glad you called it a history lesson, for that is what I was trying to create. If you can just think of my gargoyles as elves.
     
  6. Sammie

    Sammie The Doctor...

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    I'm glad you created the impression you were going for, Subzero, but at the same time try to bear in mind that most people who pick up your novel won't be looking for a history lesson....if you can get the history into the tale itself, then you will hold their attention a lot more, and they'll learn all the same facts, in a more enjoyable way...
     
  7. Jamza1986

    Jamza1986 Under construction

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    What I do when I want to give the reader lots of information is write an actual scene and insert the relevent facts and the main character is going about his or her business. Spacing it out like that means you can include the information whilst getting on with the story, it also makes it a lot more interesting for the reader.
     
  8. Jamza1986

    Jamza1986 Under construction

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    Alright, I should read the posts before replying! I've just repeated what Sammie said :eek: sorry...
     
  9. Expendable

    Expendable infomaniac

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    Imagine a army, beaten, driven back by the enemy to the gargoyle mountain, neither knowing what lies beneath it. Camped out for the night, the king of the beaten army tries to reassure his men - and encounters a gargoyle. The Gargoyle king who's been listening to the human king's attempts to reassure his men.

    Now you have something more than a history lesson - a begining of a legend.

    Something to think about!
     
  10. Sammie

    Sammie The Doctor...

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    That's ok - I like to be validated :D
     
  11. Jacquin

    Jacquin Shovelly Joe

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    She certainly does...
     
  12. Abby

    Abby enslaved to my writing

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    What's with all these penguins?

    Here are the typos that I saw:

    Gargoyles.
    The most peaceful creatures of earth.
    They dwell deep inside (-of-) their mountains, where a giant city was created from wood and stone by the Elders (-of-) over one million years ago.
    Gargoyles often kept (keep) to theirselves (themselves), though every now and then people reported (report) that a gargoyle had (has) walked into (-a-) town and examined it.
    Although Gargoyles are at peace within theirselves (with themselves), they still keep a sturdy army and weapon system just incase (in case) the demon Lord Fangolar was (is) ever ressurected again (resurrected). Nine thousand fifty seven years ago (, when) Lord Fangolar was revived after a one hundred year long death, he gathered all evil, (and) vampires (,) and his demons tempted (-even-) some men to fight alongside him.
    Thus began a war. Gargoyles vowed to never fight the war unless it reached their mountains. The tribes and kingdoms of men had no chance of defeating the evil army, so in time the war reached the Gargoyle mountains. The King at the time was Kafonin, he (. He) led an army of nine thousand against the evil army and with brute force ripped it apart.
    The Gargoyles did not expect anything for their accomplishment, so they went back to their peaceful lives in the mounatin (mountain) and remained to theirselves (there) for years and years to come.
     
  13. SubZero61992

    SubZero61992 Registered User

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    Wow.
    I wasn't thinking of using the words properly.
    Thanks for the critiques, I have been anxious all weekend to continue this story but I have been very busy.
     
  14. Abby

    Abby enslaved to my writing

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    I can never tell if it's a typo or an error, so I just call them all typos. :) No problem!
     
  15. Expendable

    Expendable infomaniac

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    Your chapters are always so dense. Space them out, work in details, let them breathe.
     
  16. SubZero61992

    SubZero61992 Registered User

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    Its not really something I would put detail into.
    I was just trying to get the idea of what and who Gargoyles were. The detail of their appearance comes later if thats answers anything.