hi - just an idea

Discussion in 'Writing' started by peppermint, Nov 28, 2001.

  1. peppermint

    peppermint New Member

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    Hi everyone.

    i thought i might post a small snipit of a story i was just an idea i got on the way to school the other day.

    Fog lay thick on the snow-laden ground, creeping its way through the undergrowth of the forest. It seemed to have a life of its own as it rippled and played around the feet of the travelers. Nukarri walked at the group's head, her velveteen jade coloured skirts stirring the fog with each step. The wind rustled the leaves overhead bringing down dormant snow in small misty showers. Nukarri's cape rippled, a storm was coming she could feel it coursing through her body. The group was nearing the citadel gates; Provious would be pleased with Nukarri's new recruits. Innocents were getting harder to turn as the good magic fought to keep them pure, But as always Nukarri came home successful, she dared not come back empty handed. As they reached the gate she lifted her hand to the knocker, the beast holding it came to life. "Who goes there." Its voice rasped.
    "SE-hun Nukarri." She replied, the creature inclined its head and return once more to stone. The gates scrapped open allowing the travelers passage. A row of stone griffins lined the path to the palace. Nukarri's followers cowered away from the calculating eyes of the beasts afraid they would come to life and consume them where they stood. Once inside Nukarri sought out Provious and found him in the pits watching over the 'training' of the innocents. "Proceedings once again went well then." He turned as she approached. "As good as the situation offers." She replied. "Very well your time is now yours tomorrow we'll discuss your next assignment." He dismissed her and went back to supervising...
     
  2. Bardos

    Bardos Ancient Member

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    Interesting.
    Though, you had me a bit confused about the situation. Of course, it's just the begining, so.... But, anyway, try to explain more.

    Also, methinks it here need a semi-colon:

    <<Nukarri's cape rippled>;< a storm was coming she could feel it coursing through her body.>>
     
  3. KATS

    KATS Moderator

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    Welcome!! Glad to have your input in the writing section.

    Did you want comments about your story idea or were you just posting it for us to read?

    If you want some feed back, I’ll be happy to respond.
     
  4. peppermint

    peppermint New Member

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    it doesn't bother me if you wish to give me feedback do so if not well don't.
     
  5. KATS

    KATS Moderator

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    You seem to have a talent for creative writing. It's difficult to fully gather the direction you are taking since the submission was so short. But I did like it.

    Please feel free to submit the story to our short story section when it gets a little further along.
     
  6. Feacus Fidelle

    Feacus Fidelle New Member

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    methinks it here need a semi-colon...Since when were we in Medieval England, Sir Knight?
     
  7. Bardos

    Bardos Ancient Member

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    Are we not?

    Oh, my, I'm lost again...!

    [​IMG]
     
  8. Feacus Fidelle

    Feacus Fidelle New Member

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    Indeed, I hath concluded anent thy response heretofore quoth: Thou art most verily in the right, for we art in England!
     
  9. Bardos

    Bardos Ancient Member

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    Pos to 'pes auto?...

    I bet I got you now!

    [​IMG]

    Except if you know Greek... [​IMG]
     
  10. voider

    voider New Member

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    Good so far,
    To make a slight suggestion we need a little more info on Provious ,of course its still early in the story so you can still fix it.
    but who is he ?....what is he?..... give a descreption, even if brefly. The idea is to string the reader along, don't tell it all at once but give the reader somthing to chew on untill the next one.Thus keeping the reader interested.Otherwise a very good start

    Voider
     
  11. peppermint

    peppermint New Member

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    voider you make a good point although at this point in time i am not considering taking this story any futher as i have my hands full with school work and Tishlyn (a story that i am and have been working on for some time).

    peppermint