pls read my story

Discussion in 'Writing' started by dalia, May 17, 2000.

  1. dalia

    dalia New Member

    Joined:
    May 17, 2000
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Hello readers and discussers. Please read my story: The Dragon and His Dinner... and tell me what you think.
    Thanks
    d
     
  2. Giarc

    Giarc New Member

    Joined:
    May 25, 2000
    Messages:
    252
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    *grin*
    A fun story Dalia [​IMG]
    Wasn't sure what to expect and you kept it that way for the most part. The last page might use some tidying up to clarify it or maybe I just lost concentration, but in any case, I enjoyed it hugely [​IMG]
    Time to go scoff my serf-and turf....
    *belch*
     
  3. ageless777

    ageless777 New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 22, 2000
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    I thought it was great...even email the story to a few of my friends...
     
  4. Shehzad

    Shehzad High Priest of Cainism

    Joined:
    Jul 12, 2000
    Messages:
    3,061
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Nice story, with a light touch. It's been some time since I read something that made me smile. Keep it up.

    Best of luck for the future.
     
  5. katy

    katy New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2000
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    I liked the story. It was humorous, but not sticky sweet or excessively gross, nice balance. Maybe just a touch of fine tuning here and there toward the end. But an all around nice read. Hmmm wonder what type of wine goes well with serf. Perhaps ale would be a better choice.......



    [This message has been edited by katy (edited August 26, 2000).]
     
  6. wynnyelle

    wynnyelle New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 1, 2001
    Messages:
    67
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Brownie points for starring a dragon in your story, I'm quite partial to dragon stories. A fun little story and I liked the ending!
     
  7. Erebus

    Erebus Keeping The Equilibrium

    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2001
    Messages:
    2,015
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    121
    Well done, Dalia,

    What a nice, quirky little story. Though I must admit I am disappointed to learn that such a stately Dragon had so little honour!

    I noticed a couple of little things in the text, mostly typo's and the like and easily fixed up, and just the occaisonal moment of confusion separating spoken dialog and thought. Perhaps you can consider using italics for thought speech? Anyway, like the others who have responded here, I loved the tale. Keep up the good work!

    I have submitted a short story, "Ghost of Elysium" as well as an extract from my first published novel, "Reflections". You should be able to find them here soon. In the meantime, if you're interested, you can check out some of my stuff here: www.wn.com.au/clubclad/erebus/

    Regards,

    Neil
     
  8. Franis

    Franis New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2001
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    I read your story Dalia, and I especially liked the droll quality of the tone. The last part where "things get back to normal" It's a good indication of how things are different because of the experience the story tells.

    I wondered if you could enhance the present-tense way the story starts out by making it even more evident how come the story is getting told - because it almost has a "fable" smell to it rather than a fairy tale. I always liked sly people who would tell a story and give it a completely different "moral" at the end that made it a sort of "twist". I'm thinking of an old program that used to run on cartoons with Rocky and Bullwinkle called "fractured fairy tales". Your story had that kind of narration to it, with the comments of the characters featured in a kind of vinette.
    Anyway, I liked it. Charming ending, well if you're a pessimist. I'll bet the dragon has digestion problems from the cows too. I'll illustrate it for you.
    Anyway, if you want to read my short story, it's under E, " in circles." It's kind of a strange one, but I imagined what it would be like to have one opportunity with technology to change your outlook on life, nothing more. Then you had to go back to your old life. So instead of being too imaginative, I figured a commonplace situation would be a plane ride for someone who had never flown.

    Tell me what you think, everyone...

    Franis
     
  9. bing

    bing New Member

    Joined:
    May 21, 2001
    Messages:
    24
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    As one day I would like to post a story, and actually receive an honest response to the story, I'm going to give you an honest response to your story Dalia. I'm not sure whether or not the people ahead of me are being polite, or if they truly feel the story was well written., but your story needs a lot of work.

    There are numerous errors, the most immediate of which is the reference to Dragon, is it "Dragon" or is it "the dragon". It shouldn't be "the Dragon". Decide, and refer to it consistently. Also, decide on a tense, stick with it.

    As far as the story goes, there are some things that can be attributed to your own style (like meandering away from the main story), but there are other things which hinder the flow of the story. First, you use the word dragon too much. Of the 766 words on the first page, 21 of them were a word containing dragon. Also... your meandering style.. really... not good... lose track... So anyway, writing in this style. Painful it is you see.

    Write in a coherent manner. Meandering away from the storyline is cute. Excessive meadering, makes for bad reading. There are other mistakes, but I think if you correct the ones mentioned already now, the story is at least readable and then it will be possible to write a fair review of the story.

    [This message has been edited by bing (edited May 29, 2001).]
     
  10. Erebus

    Erebus Keeping The Equilibrium

    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2001
    Messages:
    2,015
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    121
    Ouch, Bing! Harsh words for such a pleasant little story. Most people who post here are probably well aware that their work needs some polish, however, I usually try to commend writers for their creativity rather than criticise them too much for obvious mistakes.

    While I understand the need for harsh critique, we also have to make allowances for the fact that many young folk try out their ideas here, and this is supposed to be a friendly forum after all; it's not just a question of being polite, although this too is important.

    My story, Ghost of Elysium, was a runner up in a publisher's writing contest, but even that didn't stop it from being "savaged" a little. But, as a published author I have to expect this, I suppose! Again, here at this forum, I believe we should be offering encouragement for creativity and leave it to those closest the authors to offer the necessary harsh criticism! But these are just my opinions, of course! [​IMG]

    Cheers,

    Neil www.wn.com.au/clubclad/erebus/



    [This message has been edited by erebus (edited May 29, 2001).]
     
  11. Metosblat

    Metosblat New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2000
    Messages:
    369
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    The story really wasn't that bad, I liked it.
    Well everything except for the ending which I thought seemed a bit rushed and unimaginative.

    [This message has been edited by Dag Rambraut (edited May 29, 2001).]
     
  12. daigoro

    daigoro I'm the law... Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 6, 2001
    Messages:
    1,929
    Likes Received:
    50
    Trophy Points:
    148
    Well, as some of you will notice I've deleted a post in this topic as well as removed other quotes from it.

    ...so if everyone could try do be nice to each other it would be appreciated, we're trying to be friends here aren't we?
     
  13. Erebus

    Erebus Keeping The Equilibrium

    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2001
    Messages:
    2,015
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    121
    Thanks, Dag,

    I enjoy a good, heated discussion like everyone else, but there's no need for the blatant vulgarity shown by some in this topic, which you have now kindly removed.
     
  14. KATS

    KATS Registered User

    Joined:
    Dec 19, 2000
    Messages:
    236
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    I hesitate to give an actual critique of this story as it was originally posted almost a year ago and I’d question whether the author is still around. In fact, I did a search and I only found this 1 post by this person.

    I did however want to comment on Bing’s critique. I agree, for the most part, about the story and the need for giving an honest critique. True the critique could have been worded a little less harsh. But Bing may not have meant for it to sound has harsh as it does.

    Bing, I’ve been known to piss some people off with my critiques. I do not understand why authors would post here asking for feedback then expect to only get raves, but some do.

    My friends and family do not have the ability to properly critique my work. The response I get from them is “it’s good” or “I liked it”. But I NEED more than that. I need to know if the characters are real, if they come alive for the reader. I need to know if the plot was strong enough. I need to know if the story was entertaining enough to keep you reading til the end. I need to know if the foreshadowing was too subtle or too obvious. I need to know things that only other authors / editors can advice me on. That is what I try to give people. And I would hope that if I ever submitted anything here that people would give me the same curtsy.

    But then, that’s just my opinion. I have a feeling Erebus and I disagree on many, many things, not just this topic. [​IMG]
     
  15. Erebus

    Erebus Keeping The Equilibrium

    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2001
    Messages:
    2,015
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    121
    Kats, my comments were largely relating to those made by Gabe, comments which Dag has had the good sense to remove. Also, I was not aware that we disagreed a lot. But if we do, I guess that's healthy, right?
     
  16. daigoro

    daigoro I'm the law... Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 6, 2001
    Messages:
    1,929
    Likes Received:
    50
    Trophy Points:
    148
    Kats, Erebus is quite right, it was the comments made by Gabe that was a problem not Bing's.

    I feel there should be room for both positive and negative critique in the forum.
     
  17. KATS

    KATS Registered User

    Joined:
    Dec 19, 2000
    Messages:
    236
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Actually, my comment about us disagreeing on a lot of things has VERY little to do with this thread. I've read Erebus's posts and we do disagree about many things. Just take a look at the post immediately following Bing's post and I can't say I agree with much Erebus says in just that one post. And that post was addressed to Bing, so I assume that it was in response to Bing's post. Correct me if I'm wrong. But the fact remains that from the posts I've read of Erebus's, we disagree on many, many things. I've never made a big deal about it and I suppose I've never brought it up before because it's really no big deal. After all, what fun would the world be if everyone agreed on everything? [​IMG]
     
  18. Erebus

    Erebus Keeping The Equilibrium

    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2001
    Messages:
    2,015
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    121
    Well, it seems I may have indeed grabbed hold of the wrong end of the stick somewhat with my responses here, and others too perhaps. Yes, Kats and Bing, it is a good thing to give honest opinions, but I for one will draw the line at being unkind, or in Gabe's case, downright rude and vulgar. Also, I do not believe I have the right to offer overly harsh critique to people I don't know, especially without knowing if English is their first language or even how old they may be. Criticism can be constructive without being unnecessarily hurtful, at least in my humble opinion. [​IMG]

    Kats, I can only sincerely apologise if my comments have riled you somehow; that certainly was never my intention! But, as you said, what a boring place it would be if we all had the same ideas - that much is agreed upon at least!

    However, in this instance, and for this topic, I felt that Dalia was being unfairly criticised, and so I said as much, and then I really had to speak out against what Gabe had posted here! I guess it's in my good nature to defend those I believe have been wronged, especially in this case where very derogatory comments were made towards a female member of this forum. Perhaps you were lucky enough not to read them before Dag removed them, Kats? Nevertheless, had the comments been directed towards yourself or any other member, male or female, I would have responded the same way.

    Perhaps old-fashioned chivalry is uncommon to many these days? If that's true, then it's a pity. So, line up here and call me old-fashioned if you must -I'll take it as a compliment every time!

    My sincere and kindest regards,

    Neil Cladingboel

    [This message has been edited by erebus (edited May 29, 2001).]
     
  19. bing

    bing New Member

    Joined:
    May 21, 2001
    Messages:
    24
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Erebus, I don't believe my post was very mean. I wanted to be honest. Does chivalry require you to lie? The purpose of this forum is for aspiring writers to get feedback on their work. As I mentioned in my post, if I ever decide to write a story, I would like an honest review of it. So long that the complaints are legitimate, I do not mind. Did I overstep the boundaries somewhere? I'm re-reading my post and as far as I can see I only pointed out some errors that I thought if were corrected could improve the writing. If the end goal is improvement, if no one ever tells you you've made a mistake, you'll never improve.
     
  20. KATS

    KATS Registered User

    Joined:
    Dec 19, 2000
    Messages:
    236
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Erebus, you’re old fashioned! Just kidding [​IMG] You have NOT “riled” me in any way hun. I certainly don’t expect an apology from you! We just have different views of things. I can be stubborn and opinionated and Lord knows I’ve never apologized for my attitude. Believe me, there are LOTS of people that I disagree with yet I’ve managed to remain friends with these people.

    No, I didn’t not read Gabe’s post, but I’m fairly certain I’ve had worse things said about me, to my face and certainly behind my back. (I am a female and like I said I do have strong opinions and I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut, so you can imagine some of the things that have been said about me.) Though chivalry is rare these days, I do appreciate it. Though, as you can imagine, not much someone says will phase me. [​IMG]

    At any rate, I tend to agree with Bing on the critique. Actually, I'd have probably pointed out several more areas that need improvement if I were do give a full critique. However, I seriously doubt the author is still around to read it. But, Bing, please keep in mind that some of the people that submit stories are teenagers and these are their school assignments or first efforts at writing.

    [This message has been edited by KATS (edited May 29, 2001).]