Query letter feedback request

Discussion in 'Writing' started by Taramoc, Mar 30, 2012.

  1. Taramoc

    Taramoc Author and Game Designer

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    Hey KatG,
    Don't worry, I hadn't even thought for a second that it was the final version. I'm just happy that we are down to fixing the parts, instead of the whole. I do agree that is a bit long, I'll work on the next iteration and see how much I can cut.

    I do agree that scuttle should be there, maybe I'll try to add that final phrase as you suggest, instead of the last question.

    Anyway, hopefully I'll have something in the next day or so...

    Thanks again for more excellent feedback.

    Taramoc
     
    Last edited: May 3, 2012
  2. Taramoc

    Taramoc Author and Game Designer

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    Here we go, still a bit long but under my absolute limit of 500 words, including everything.

    I added the part at the end on Scuttle and the war hero, I just hope it doesn't add unnecessarily to the complexity of the query and cutting that paragraph is still an option.

    Taramoc

    Dear ____________,

    As Steven Erikson’s agent, you may be interested in taking a look at my epic fantasy novel THE PARADOX OF DECEPTION.

    Three forces vie for supremacy in the war-torn continent of Pathran, a land where Gods walk among humans and meddle in their affairs. The central Irkalian Empire seeks expansion to veer off its path of decadence under newly crowned Emperor Arthatus IV. Amet, the original Emperor, betrayed two thousand years earlier just before ascending as First God, is possessing Tubal, a former slave, to reunite the southern Gheradi tribes and reclaim his throne, unbeknownst to his killers, the current Gods of Pathran. Behind the scene, Poliad Seramin, master spy of the northern Sarathian Kingdom, has created a new religion as a cover for a formidable network of double agents to exploit the conflict among the Empire and the Gheradi and seize control of the entire continent.

    But as armies cross borders and pawns are positioned for the final showdown, a new unimaginable threat arises. Portals appear, opening onto another world where an infinite army of mindless killers is pushing to invade Pathran and slaughter humanity. A dwindling fortress, built around the portals by the Tar Larhains, a forgotten race and the last challengers of mankind for Pathran, is holding them off using the power of Fragmancy, the sorcery of the wards, banned centuries earlier by the Gods.

    The three antagonists have to set their ambitions aside and work together, but will Arthatus risk giving the Empire the final push into oblivion by diverting his armies to face the new invaders and buy crucial time? And will Amet overcome his absolute thirst for revenge to work with his divine killers to bring Fragmancy back to Pathran? And will Poliad, whose cult has grown to the point that he’s starting to believe in it himself, keep his sanity long enough to find the last living Tar Larhain?

    The answers to these questions and the fate of mankind depends on a retired war hero, forced by Amet to coordinate the attack against Arthatus, a young street kid, with a staggering connection to Fragmancy, and Poliad’s young lover, not ready to give up on him no matter the implications.

    The Paradox of Deception is a sprawling fantasy novel of 210.000 words, and the first chapter of the Fragmancy Cycle, a five volume epic tale spanning centuries and several interconnected worlds. In the tradition of Steven Erikson’s Malazan Book of the Fallen and G.R.R. Martin’s A song of Fire and Ice, the Fragmancy Cycle follows a diverse cast of characters from every walk of life to examine the resilience and inherent flaws of the human spirit when confronted with overwhelming odds.

    I’ve worked as writer, designer and creative director, with companies like SEGA and mobile gaming pioneer Magmic Games, on such games as KaGlom, Legacy Online and Phase 10. I also self-published a collection of short stories, [title].

    Sincerely,

    Marco Cultrera
     
  3. KatG

    KatG Effulgent Staff Member

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    Dear ____________,

    As Steven Erikson’s agent, you may be interested in taking a look at my epic fantasy novel THE PARADOX OF DECEPTION. -- You might just want to cut this whole sentence. It keeps sounding kind of obnoxious, though I suspect Erikson's agent is used to it.

    Three forces vie for supremacy in the war-torn continent of Pathran, a land where Gods walk among humans and meddle in their affairs. The central Irkalian Empire seeks expansion [to veer off its path of decadence] -- suggest cut -- under newly crowned Emperor Arthatus IV. Amet, the God who founded the Empire and ruled until he was betrayed two thousand years ago, has possessed Tubal, a slave, to reunite the southern Gheradi tribes and reclaim his throne, unbeknownst to his killers, the current Gods of Pathran. Behind the scenes, Poliad Seramin, master spy of the northern Sarathian Kingdom, has created a new religion as a cover for a formidable network of double agents to exploit the conflict between the Empire and the Gheradi and seize control of the entire continent.

    But as armies cross borders and pawns are positioned for the final showdown, a new, unimaginable threat arises. Portals appear, opening onto another world where an infinite army of mindless killers is pushing to invade Pathran and slaughter humanity. A dwindling fortress, built around the portals by the Tar Larhains, a forgotten race and the last challengers of mankind for Pathran, is holding them off using the power of Fragmancy, a sorcery banned centuries earlier by the Gods.

    The three antagonists have to set their ambitions aside and work together, but will Arthatus risk giving the Empire the final push into oblivion by diverting his armies to face the new invaders and buy crucial time? And will Amet overcome his absolute thirst for revenge to work with his divine killers to bring Fragmancy back to Pathran? Will Poliad, whose cult has grown to the point that he’s starting to believe in it himself, keep his sanity long enough to find the last living Tar Larhain?

    The answers to these questions and the fate of mankind depends on a retired war hero, forced by Amet to coordinate the attack against Arthatus, a young street kid with a staggering connection to Fragmancy, and Poliad’s young lover, not ready to give up on him no matter the implications.

    The Paradox of Deception is a sprawling fantasy novel of 210.000 words, and the first chapter of the Fragmancy Cycle, a five volume epic tale spanning centuries and several interconnected worlds. In the tradition of Steven Erikson’s Malazan Book of the Fallen and G.R.R. Martin’s A Song of Fire and Ice, the Fragmancy Cycle follows a diverse cast of characters from every walk of life to examine the resilience and inherent flaws of the human spirit when confronted with overwhelming odds.

    I’ve worked as writer, designer and creative director with companies like SEGA and mobile gaming pioneer Magmic Games, on such games as KaGlom, Legacy Online and Phase 10. I also self-published a collection of short stories, [title].
    [/QUOTE]

    It reads pretty good now, I think. How are you feeling about it?
     
  4. Taramoc

    Taramoc Author and Game Designer

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    Hey KatG,
    I feel pretty good about it, still a bit on the long side, but I'm not sure I can't shorten it even more and still make it justice.

    I'd like to keep the first phrase, as it shows that I did my research on who the agent is already representing and it gives a sort of intro, instead on jumping on the synopsis right away, but I know what you mean about obnoxious. I'll try to come up with an equivalent a little less annoying.

    Also, I want to keep the bit about the decadence of the Empire as it's referred to in the first question later in the query, but it is a bit awkward as it is. I'll try to smooth it.

    Rest of suggestions look good, thanks :)

    I guess I'll fire it off to a few agents and see how it does. If I don't get any traction (i.e. requests for partials) I'll have to rework it, but hopefully it won't get to that point.

    I'll keep you posted and thanks again.
     
  5. N. E. White

    N. E. White tmso Staff Member

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    I've been following along, and wanted to thank you all for letting us peak in on this process. I've learned a ton.